this past week has easily been one of the worst weeks of my life. since i haven't been able to keep everyone directly updated except by facebook status... i'll start at the beginning.
saturday. i had been out running around and trying to complete things for the wedding to-do list. (the list that is seemingly never ending. i should have eloped) while out running errands, i called my mom in ludlow at the rehab center. she had been battling pneumonia for about a week, and said that she was finally starting to feel better and that she thought the antibiotics were finally working. this was at about 3:30 pm. i went home.. worked on things there.. later that night, stephen came home around 11 and we started making our very late night dinner and settled in to watch some TV. at 11:30, my cell phone rang and it was audrey. made me a little pissed to see her name on my caller id, but... whatever. she nonchalantly told me that mom was having a few breathing problems and that they were taking her to the baystate ER. i was pretty pissed that it wasn't healthsouth calling me, so i hung up with her and called them to ask why the fuck wasn't i called. (of course i wasn't that rude, but i was pretty mad). the nurse told me that they didn't even have my phone number and that audrey was her daughter. (don'tscreamdon'tscreamdon'tscream.....) politely inform the nurse that that information is completely incorrect and here is my phone number. since audrey was incapable of informing the rehab center that i was not only her actual daughter, but the health proxy, i immediately called baystate er to let them know that she was on her way, who i was and what my phone number was. i grabbed my backpack.. threw some underwear and socks in (just in case) and by midnight stephen and i were on our way to springfield. at about 1:15 am the ER doctor called me to let me know that she was on her way upstairs to ICU and that she had been intubated. at !:20 am, i got another call asking me weather or not she as a DNR and whether or not she wanted last rites from a priest. we arrived by about 1:30 and practically ran up to ICU. at this point her blood pressure was so low and her heart rate was so high that they were giving her medications to try and stabilize her. since she is a DNR, the meds and fluids are all they were allowed to give her, otherwise she would have had a central line to her heart installed so meds could be directly administered. after this time, it became a waiting game. i had called my aunt penny on the way out and once she had been given all the meds, she and my uncle gent came down. we sat with my mom just watching her monitors and hoping for the best for about 2 hours when she suggested i start calling my uncles and the folks that really needed to know what was going on. it's not often i have to call to wake people up with news like that at 4am. after i made the calls, i just went back in to sit with her. family came and went. i was so grateful that they were there with me, even though they were there, i still felt so alone.
the next day was pretty much a waiting game. aunt penny and uncle gent were pretty much a constant, but stephen dawn, aunt jackie, timmy, aunt trudy, uncle tom, uncle duane, and of course audrey came through for visits. i spent the first 2 nights in the ICU waiting room. i was kind of terrified to leave. all i could think about was all of the relatives that i visited in the hospital thinking that they were going to be fine only to have them pass away once i had left. and while i realize it wasn't me.. it's just a weird complex that i sometimes have when things get really bad for my mom.
on day 2, i got a call early in the morning telling me that my grandmother was being brought to the emergency room. since it was between the 7-9 hour where they don't let you into ICU i went down to meet up with her and sit with her. she looked and sounded horrible, not to mention she was all upset that mom was just upstairs. they ended up admitting her for congestive heart failure and retaining fluids.
so at this point both mom and grams are in the hospital. i don't even want to ask the question "what else could go wrong?"
on day 3, my uncle tom came in to visit early in the morning where he found me sleeping in the waiting room. he kind of told me point blank that i was staying at his house that night. in the end, i was pretty grateful for that. it's not that i didn't want to stay there, i was just afraid to be that far away. i guess he kind of forced me to take that step out of the waiting room.
on day 4 they took her breathing tube out. the whole time that i had been there she had been communicating via paper and pen, so she was happy to finally be able to nag me with her actual voice. her breathing was still super labored, and sounded gurgly because of all the fluids in her lungs. they had her on a high flow nasal cannula that basically looked like a garden hose and two giant drinking straws stuffed up her nose.
because all of this underlying drama isn't enough, there of course had to be something going on in the never-ending war with audrey and stan. if my mother hadn't ended up in ICU, she would have been going home on tuesday. in order for her to go home and have any chance of staying healthy there, the house is going to have to be cleaned from the floor up. the house is so disgusting and filthy that you cannot go in without being hit by a wave of stench. imagine a word worse than squalor, and that is what they are living in. the bathroom upstairs is slowly being taken over by mold and mildew so bad that i am going to get a first hand experience on how to remodel a bathroom. you can't be in the house for more than 15 minutes and you feel like you need to scrub yourself in a shower before burning the clothes you were wearing. am i getting my point across? relatives can't and won't visit her anymore. and so... because all of this my mom has asked me to fix it. everyone says "UGH why can't they do it???!!!". they can, but don't. the time has come to just accept it and try to work for the common good of keeping my mom in the best health possible. if this means i have to clean it... i'm going to clean it. i think the thing that really upsets me is that while my moms house was ALWAYS messy and cluttered... it wasn't dirty. you always just had to push some stuff aside to sit, but you didn't have to be concerned that you'd leave with fleas. it's just so upsetting and it makes me think about what steve said.. "you can't go home anymore". i can... but its just going to upset me.
so... now she's headed home.. i think. and the house needs to be cleaned. we brought it up to audrey who agreed. i don't think she necessarily liked it, but she agreed that she couldn't do it. she went home and of course had to tell stan. he threw a fit. a fit so big that he went down to the ICU unit at 10:30 at night to scream at my mother. her blood pressure and heart rate went through the roof and they had to physically remove him. i didn't find this out until the afternoon of the next day. because this all happened, a social worker stepped in. i'm pretty sure she's been on the edges of everything but after all of the drama thats been going on, she was forced to make herself more present. there was a meeting between me, mom, stan, audrey, and the social worker. all 3 of them of course went into the meeting on the defensive... it was like the social worker and i were watching them tap dance together. it made me so mad. in the end, i ended up finding the social worker and telling her the truth about exactly what has been going on in the house for the past 6 years. i have a feeling that things might be able to start to change with her there.
after all of this drama had gone on, it was now thursday. i reached my limit and since i wasn't allowed to go in and clean, i was going to tell my mom i was mad at her and that i needed to go home. she started asking me why i was so mad. i explained to her that i knew she would just procrastinate and never hire someone to come in and clean the house and that because of all the filth there, she would just end up sick and back in the hospital. i also told her that i was so sad and tired to hear so many people in the family tell me that they missed being able to go over and see her and that the reason they couldn't is because the house was so filthy and smelled so bad. i also told her that i was livid with her because after all of her positive thinking and talking to me about how great it would be to have someone clean, and if stan didn't like it he could leave, the instant he freaked out the way he did she changed her mind and called my title of "cleaner" into "snoop or spy" and that she was afraid he would treat her badly after i left. i told her that if she was going to let him control whether or not her health improved then it was her business and that i couldn't do anything more about it and that i needed to go home. by this time, i was so mentally and physically exhausted that i didn't even know where to put myself.
she was pretty shocked that i had felt this way, and she had no idea about why people had stopped coming to see her. it's easy for any of us to say "how could you not know how dirty the house is? can't you smell it?" i think that the big scope of it is... if you live in it and are conditioned to it.. you just don't know exactly how bad it is. this prompted mom to call audrey down to the hospital so that she could also hear the truth. at this point, she agreed that i needed to come in and clean, but it had to be after my mother came home and that maybe it was time for stan to move on to a new home and a new relationship. so... i might be rid of stan, but stuck with audrey.. still sucks, but i like the odds much more.
and.. it was after this "come to jesus" meeting that i was finally able to catch a bus home.. my godsent was kristen. she happened to be getting off from work just in time to whisk me away to my grams (who had finally gone home the day before) to drop off her car (more on that later) and then take me to the springfield so i could get the hell out of dodge. i almost skipped into the bus station.. my call to stephen for a pickup request was almost gleeful. while i was on my way to freedom, my mom was simultaneously being moved to a normal room. life is good.
there are some big time silver linings to this whole miserable week.
uncle tom and aunt penny: while i've always known that my family has had my back, i finally feel like i have 2 powerful allies. i spoke with my uncle tom about ideas for riders my mom wanted to add to her will. my original reaction to her ideas were an all over NO. i brought them up to my uncle and he was able to talk me off the ledge and come up with some new ideas to propose. he is now also going to be the constant voice in my head concerning how to deal with audrey. "honey", talk to her with an all sweet attitude and i can persuade her to do things my way. it was his voice in my head that made me able to persuade audrey to let me clean the house. i plan to keep on using his advice for a long time to come.
as far as the health proxy fight, my aunt penny and i are the ones fighting that battle now. mom spoke with aunt penny about being the alternate health proxy, and of course, after being so close for so long she said yes. she is one of the few people i know that is ALWAYS reachable, and knows and will respect exactly what my mother wants. she will never second guess the decision my mom made. sometimes i'm on the T, or maybe i'm in a place where i can't answer my phone. it's not often, but now i don't have to get on a train with panic in my mind that something might happen and audrey is the only one to sign the papers.. like my mom told AP... "i'm her meal ticket, she wants to make sure i survive". i have the papers, and so does aunt penny.. thats all i need.
aunt trudy: i never get to spend enough time with her... never get to have prolonged chats, or go out to dinner, or really ever spend quality time with her. this week, i was able to hang out, relax with her, catch dinner, and even plant a garden with her. it was awesome to be able to spend time with her and get to know her since i'm older now. it makes me want to spend more time in western ma... can you believe that?
aunt jackie: she and i didn't always see eye to eye... and by always i mean we used to bicker alot. that seems to have changed. on thursday, i had a 2 hour breakfast with her where we just chatted about life... we also made plans to meet up in boston when she comes out for doctors appointments.
grammy: it was nice to be able to spend some time with her, even if she was in the hospital. when mom wanted to rest, i could just walk down the hall to see her since ICU and the cardiac unit are on the same floor. once she got home, i was able to help take care of her even if it was just a little bit. she also let me drive her car.. that car previously belonged to my grandfather, and i remember being his passenger when my mom and i went down there to do his taxes. he would take me out so i wasn't in my moms hair. it was like driving a family artifact.
aunt penny, uncle gent, and dawn: i wish i had been able to spend more time with them this trip, but i was so wrapped up with grammy and the concern to be so close that i just couldn't find the time. they're always there, and i am so grateful for that.
this has been the scariest and best week all at the same time. i'm walking away feeling that i am much closer to my family, even the ones i didn't get to see. i haven't felt this close to my laramee side as a whole since i was little kid seeing all of them at christmas... i guess i kind of had an out of sight out of mind kind of mind frame... to know that i was wrong feels really good.
as of now, i spoke with my mom today, and i'm not sure i completely like how she sounded. i will probably closely monitor how she is doing via phone and head back towards western MA maybe on monday or tuesday. until i can blog again, cell is probably the easiest way to reach me..
thank you to everyone for all of your good thoughts and love...
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
27.. the year i got 2 birthdays
so far.. 27 is fabulous. on the actual day of my birthday, i was taken out to dinner with steve, and then out for drinks with the girls. the drinks bit was supposed to be a surprise but due to some email mis-communications i ended up in on the surprise email exchanges.. way to go girls. either way.. i still had a blast. i also got the movie ratatouille that night.. it made me very happy..
the next day, a friday, was a hubba day. i got another surprise party. denise caught wind of the not a surprise party that had happened a day before and decided to get suzi to let her organize another one. it seemed like i was doing alot of running around that day.. i later found out it was to keep me out of the store. they ended up snagging my iphone and raiding my email address book. around 8ish, lots of people started filtering in.. shawn, the longtime hubba friend who is easily one of my favorite hubba associated people. bobby from pearl art, lemon the bette page impersonator, rain, creepy sheldon who works at hubba on saturday, darul our resident drifter, and of course denise and suzi. they got together carrot cake (my favorite!!) and mimosas. it was really a great night.
what better place to blow out the candles on your birthday than on a case of vibrators?
mah cake.. SO DELICIOUS!!! (please note the "rabbit" underneath... hilarious!)
denise (hat), rain (purple shirt), and bobby (purple hair) doing yoga at hubba hubba while slightly drunk on mimosas.
rain, stuck in a leather dress after she decided to play dress up.
hubba proves that you can have fun at work.
the next day, a friday, was a hubba day. i got another surprise party. denise caught wind of the not a surprise party that had happened a day before and decided to get suzi to let her organize another one. it seemed like i was doing alot of running around that day.. i later found out it was to keep me out of the store. they ended up snagging my iphone and raiding my email address book. around 8ish, lots of people started filtering in.. shawn, the longtime hubba friend who is easily one of my favorite hubba associated people. bobby from pearl art, lemon the bette page impersonator, rain, creepy sheldon who works at hubba on saturday, darul our resident drifter, and of course denise and suzi. they got together carrot cake (my favorite!!) and mimosas. it was really a great night.
what better place to blow out the candles on your birthday than on a case of vibrators?
mah cake.. SO DELICIOUS!!! (please note the "rabbit" underneath... hilarious!)
denise (hat), rain (purple shirt), and bobby (purple hair) doing yoga at hubba hubba while slightly drunk on mimosas.
rain, stuck in a leather dress after she decided to play dress up.
hubba proves that you can have fun at work.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
i think...
... that once you get cracked in the head with the car door.. it's a sure sign that you should return to bed for the remainder of the day.
that was really the icing on my cake today.
around 8am i received a call from my babysitting folks asking me to go to cambridge to fill in for a sick nanny. ok.. no problem. mom was also apparently also sick in bed.. sure.. whatever... that's fine.
i get there and find out that baby is a little developmentally behind as he is adopted from guatemala and probably isn't quite adjusted yet. which, really is also fine. i can handle that. about an hour and a half go by.. he's playing and running around just fine. then his diaper needed to be changed. while i was doing this, he managed to grab a wipe from me. after his change, i took it away. at that point he started to have a tantrum from which he was nearly inconsolable. so i took him into the kitchen to see if a bottle would relax him a little. he took a sip, chilled out, put the bottle down and then started to play again. this was about the time mom came downstairs. she seemed a little upset that there was a bottle in the living room and proceeded to explain (a bit harshly) that they don't give him bottles to "run around with" i explained to her, that while it was there, he was pretty much ignoring it and i also apologized. so at this point it was time for his lunch, mom was milling around. in the kitchen when i tried to put him into the highchair, he FREAKED out. kicking, screaming, trying to wiggle away from me. i got him strapped in and it too about 3 minutes of dodging hands and feet to get the tray bit on without hurting him. i asked his mom if that was normal, she said "yeah, he doesn't like it". i got his lunch together.. all under the watchful eyes of their obnoxious golden retrievers who decided they were also interested in what was for lunch.. one of them got a bit to close and i ended up saying "no" in a somewhat stern voice. this is when mom really started in on me. she yelled at me that the dog wasn't doing anything and why did i hate dogs so much? explaining anything back to her was impossible since baby was screaming like someone had put hot coals under him. i then sat down in front of him to try and give him lunch.. he just kept on pushing my hands away and screaming. she then accused me of trying to choke him with food... even after he hadn't had one bite. at this point i tried to talk to her to figure out what his routine was and how they normally fed him.. instead of helping me to understand about him.. she tried to tell me what i was doing wrong. i ended up interrupting her and saying "instead of telling me what you think i don't know.. why don't you help me to understand YOUR baby." all of this was going on while baby was still screaming, ear-splitting screams. at that point, she said.. fine.. you do what you think.
by this time, i was so uncomfortable about being yelled at that i told her i needed to leave and that she needed to take her baby. she refused. this crazy woman REFUSED to take her crying baby, after she had just spent almost 20 minutes yelling at me. i had to call the agency to call the father to come home. during the time i was waiting for him to come home, i took baby out of the chair which calmed him down immensely. i also got him to eat some of his lunch.. it seemed like he was just terrified of being strapped into the chair... maybe it was something he experienced in the orphanage? who knows. after his lunch, i rocked him to sleep. he kept on waking up crying.. but at least i didn't feel like i was torturing him by having him strapped into a high chair. dad finally came home and i explained what happened there. he didn't really seem to have any explanation.. only an apology.
i have never ever experienced a person like that who would not take their own crying child. i mean.. it was pretty obvious that she didn't like me.. why on earth would you leave your child with someone you didn't like?
i was SO glad to get out of there.
then.. when i got home.. i got out of the car and the wind (march... in like a lion!!!) blew the car door back so that the top corner hit me square in the middle of the forehead. i'm just praying it doesn't leave a mark. i do have a killer headache right now.
i'm going back to bed with some peanut butter toast.
that was really the icing on my cake today.
around 8am i received a call from my babysitting folks asking me to go to cambridge to fill in for a sick nanny. ok.. no problem. mom was also apparently also sick in bed.. sure.. whatever... that's fine.
i get there and find out that baby is a little developmentally behind as he is adopted from guatemala and probably isn't quite adjusted yet. which, really is also fine. i can handle that. about an hour and a half go by.. he's playing and running around just fine. then his diaper needed to be changed. while i was doing this, he managed to grab a wipe from me. after his change, i took it away. at that point he started to have a tantrum from which he was nearly inconsolable. so i took him into the kitchen to see if a bottle would relax him a little. he took a sip, chilled out, put the bottle down and then started to play again. this was about the time mom came downstairs. she seemed a little upset that there was a bottle in the living room and proceeded to explain (a bit harshly) that they don't give him bottles to "run around with" i explained to her, that while it was there, he was pretty much ignoring it and i also apologized. so at this point it was time for his lunch, mom was milling around. in the kitchen when i tried to put him into the highchair, he FREAKED out. kicking, screaming, trying to wiggle away from me. i got him strapped in and it too about 3 minutes of dodging hands and feet to get the tray bit on without hurting him. i asked his mom if that was normal, she said "yeah, he doesn't like it". i got his lunch together.. all under the watchful eyes of their obnoxious golden retrievers who decided they were also interested in what was for lunch.. one of them got a bit to close and i ended up saying "no" in a somewhat stern voice. this is when mom really started in on me. she yelled at me that the dog wasn't doing anything and why did i hate dogs so much? explaining anything back to her was impossible since baby was screaming like someone had put hot coals under him. i then sat down in front of him to try and give him lunch.. he just kept on pushing my hands away and screaming. she then accused me of trying to choke him with food... even after he hadn't had one bite. at this point i tried to talk to her to figure out what his routine was and how they normally fed him.. instead of helping me to understand about him.. she tried to tell me what i was doing wrong. i ended up interrupting her and saying "instead of telling me what you think i don't know.. why don't you help me to understand YOUR baby." all of this was going on while baby was still screaming, ear-splitting screams. at that point, she said.. fine.. you do what you think.
by this time, i was so uncomfortable about being yelled at that i told her i needed to leave and that she needed to take her baby. she refused. this crazy woman REFUSED to take her crying baby, after she had just spent almost 20 minutes yelling at me. i had to call the agency to call the father to come home. during the time i was waiting for him to come home, i took baby out of the chair which calmed him down immensely. i also got him to eat some of his lunch.. it seemed like he was just terrified of being strapped into the chair... maybe it was something he experienced in the orphanage? who knows. after his lunch, i rocked him to sleep. he kept on waking up crying.. but at least i didn't feel like i was torturing him by having him strapped into a high chair. dad finally came home and i explained what happened there. he didn't really seem to have any explanation.. only an apology.
i have never ever experienced a person like that who would not take their own crying child. i mean.. it was pretty obvious that she didn't like me.. why on earth would you leave your child with someone you didn't like?
i was SO glad to get out of there.
then.. when i got home.. i got out of the car and the wind (march... in like a lion!!!) blew the car door back so that the top corner hit me square in the middle of the forehead. i'm just praying it doesn't leave a mark. i do have a killer headache right now.
i'm going back to bed with some peanut butter toast.
Monday, March 16, 2009
the week of boys
it seems that this past week and a half, all of the boys in my life have been around full swing. lots of fun.
a couple of weeks ago, i hung out with mark and the ever faboo k-lo at districts.
then la last week... liam on the train... i seem to run into him the most since all of the other boysss live far away. it was nice to catch up with him... i wish i had been an employee at hubba together with him.. no doubt i would be turned jaded and cynical with a twist of snarkism just like him.
after that... it was nelson. i knew i would see him as i stayed with krissisan. even though i only got to see him for about an hour before he left it was still wonderful to laugh and be weird with him. he is undoubtedly the only one that could probably get away with the inappropriate shenanigans he manages to pull. the first time steve ever met him i thought he was going to clock him... he thought nelson and i had some sort of physical past.. we don't... nelson is just.. nelson.
this week, much to my delight it was eric and nick. i don't think i've seen eric in well over a year. i think about him often, but am terrible at keeping in touch. i'm glad that everything with nick is going so well... eric deserves to be happy. he'll be in town all week training with a new job... so lounging around with pizza, movies, board games, and i'm sure a good smack down with eric will only be a short train ride away.
must love the boysss.
a couple of weeks ago, i hung out with mark and the ever faboo k-lo at districts.
then la last week... liam on the train... i seem to run into him the most since all of the other boysss live far away. it was nice to catch up with him... i wish i had been an employee at hubba together with him.. no doubt i would be turned jaded and cynical with a twist of snarkism just like him.
after that... it was nelson. i knew i would see him as i stayed with krissisan. even though i only got to see him for about an hour before he left it was still wonderful to laugh and be weird with him. he is undoubtedly the only one that could probably get away with the inappropriate shenanigans he manages to pull. the first time steve ever met him i thought he was going to clock him... he thought nelson and i had some sort of physical past.. we don't... nelson is just.. nelson.
this week, much to my delight it was eric and nick. i don't think i've seen eric in well over a year. i think about him often, but am terrible at keeping in touch. i'm glad that everything with nick is going so well... eric deserves to be happy. he'll be in town all week training with a new job... so lounging around with pizza, movies, board games, and i'm sure a good smack down with eric will only be a short train ride away.
must love the boysss.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
i had a clever name for this blog... but i lost it.
because it's not 1:48 in the morning and i'm exhausted. i've been out here in western MA now for awhile with my mum. she's starting to do better, but today seemed like a real white knuckle day. she went in for a surgery to remove an abscess and blood clot in her leg. her going under anesthesia any time is kind of a big deal, and they usually don't do it. this morning we were informed differently. it was at about 8:45 am this morning that i had to have that talk with her again about exactly what her wishes are should something go wrong. it's a conversation i have to clarify every time with her, and i hate having to think about it. we talked... i understood... they gave her some drugs... she got sleepy and off they took her down the hall. every time i've had to stand there waiting at the doors, watching her round the corner, i freak out a little bit inside... always terrified that it's the last time i'm going to see her. i really hate mornings like this.
after i watched her go... i had to get out of the hospital. far enough away to distract me, but close enough to rush back should something happen. the bookstore at ingleside. i walked around barnes and noble checking my phone every five seconds making sure that i still had service, a full battery, and no missed calls. i was a bit paranoid. i looked and looked for a book that i wanted to read. i had forgotten the books i have on a list of "to read" at home. i wasn't exactly expecting to be visiting a bookstore, and so, i couldn't pick something. i ended up with an old standby... the sketchbook. another moleskin to add to the already ridiculous collection of half full sketchbooks. i also picked up a little package of colored pencils niftily packaged in a CD case. pair those with the micron pens i had stashed in my bag, and you have instant distraction.. for a few hours at least. on my way back to the hospital, i picked up the muffins mom had asked for in an attempt to keep a positive attitude. after that i went back, by then it was 10:30am. i went up to her room and waited.. nothing.. i walked back to the surgical waiting area and waited there too. after a couple of hours, i got a call from the nurses to talk to the surgeon. he must have been one of the nicest surgeons i've ever spoken to. normally they are kind of dry and uninterested in personal details about their patients. not dr. kerner though. he told me how the surgery went (pretty well), how big the abscess/blood clot was (not as big as they thought it was going to be), and how much they had to cut her (not as much as they did last time). we talked about her mobility, and what her goals were, and the meds he wanted to get her on and off of. it was so great to talk to this guy and feel like she has some hope to get some of what she lost back.
by this time, it was about noon. the dr. said she was in recovery and that it shouldn't be more than an hour before she was to be moved back upstairs. so i went back up to her room to wait for her. after about an hour and a half of waiting and drawing, i pulled her table up and put my head down for a nap. fast fwd another hour.... still no mom.. by this time i had just assumed that no call=no problem, and that since it was getting later in the day, audrey would be coming up. being stuck in a hospital room with nobody between us is a terrible idea.. it could have easily turned into a "she's being mean" story to my mom, which would only end up upsetting my mom (she's an EXCELLENT storyteller... bitch).... at that point i figured it was time for a field trip to visit aunt trudy at the elms and relive some memories and have some visits. after about another hour or so, i headed back to the hospital. when i arrived it was perfect timing that mom had arrived back in the room. come to find out, after the surgery where she was so heavily sedated, her breathing started to slow and they had to re-intubate her so she could breathe. again, being sedated this was difficult because she tried to pull the tube out of her throat.. at which point they restrained her. i guess groggy people don't enjoy tubes in their throats. i was a little shaken to hear all this had happened, but relieved it was all over.
i ended up texting audrey, and then she headed down. woo hoo. she tried to pull the whole victim act... knowing mom had just had surgery and was pretty uncomfortable... she has to build up her own ailments to make sure she is just as sick. it's just another reason i fucking despise this woman.
on a side story just to get some frustration out... while my mom was at healthsouth, i sent her a small painting of a paper crane. after doing that project last year, i re-told the story to my mom about how cranes are supposed to inspire good health and luck for the sick via a letter and painting... it meant alot to her. when she was sent back to the hospital, audrey was called to pick up her belongings from the rehab center.. what's the one thing she conveniently forgets? the painting. when my mom called her and asked her to bring it up, she had to tell her she forgot it... my mom, being the smart cookie that she is knew exactly what audrey was up to, got all mad and upset and had to yell at her. what the fuck? isn't she supposed to work at keeping my mom on an even keel and even temper so she doesn't give herself a heart attack? god i hate her sooooooooo much. i wanted to fucking clock her as soon as i saw her today. it's absolutely a good thing that i wasn't there alone with her.
knowing that she was somewhat stable i made plans with krissisan for dinner. she was off at 8, and it seemed like the perfect time to get dinner, hang out and talk with her, and then think about heading home for some sleep in my own bed. it seems once kris and i get talking there isn't really an end. dinner turned into an hour in my car, then a plan to hang out with her at home until nelson got home, and then once nelson got home i was yawning so much that i ended up accepting the orders to just sleep here. which means i will get to spend more time with my mom tomorrow.. yay! i get kind of anxious leaving her, but i hate feeling like a pain in the butt couch surfer (and please... i know i'm not really a pain.. but i'm kind of peculiar and enjoy the comfort of my own bed, with my own cats, with my own oddball night-owl habits, and i don't like disrupting other peoples nights.. even if they insist its ok. :)
i also accepted partly because i want to spend as much time with krissisan before she leaves for the army. i still can't believe she is going to go, but to hear her talk about it and what it means, how hard she's working to make it happen and how much she is looking forward to it, i get caught up in her excitement and am so happy for her. i know she will be great at it, but i'm still a little sad about seeing my best friend leave for a year. i will absolutely be there when she graduates and try to send her as many letters as i can. but, man... knowing she isn't just an hour or so's ride away, or a text message away from chatting... it's kind of heartbreaking.
well.. it's now about 2:30 am, and i'm struggling to type strait and keep things spelled correctly... more updates when i'm more conscious..
but.. one more thing. why the hell do cool things happen at home when i'm away on emergencies? U2 (yes, that U2, the brittish dudes with bono and whatnot) played a secret show at the somerville theater either yesterday, or the day before. U2 in tiny little davis square... a mere 10-15 minute walk from my home... one of my first jobs living in boston was at that theater... it's a huge awesome fucking thing... and i'm out here in western MA. i wouldn't even have cared if i could have gotten in to see the show. but to see all the hullabaloo and excitement so close to home would have been freaking awesome. from the short news clips i've read.. they shut down the whole square to cars and there were like a zillion people milling around.
and i missed it. dammit.
after i watched her go... i had to get out of the hospital. far enough away to distract me, but close enough to rush back should something happen. the bookstore at ingleside. i walked around barnes and noble checking my phone every five seconds making sure that i still had service, a full battery, and no missed calls. i was a bit paranoid. i looked and looked for a book that i wanted to read. i had forgotten the books i have on a list of "to read" at home. i wasn't exactly expecting to be visiting a bookstore, and so, i couldn't pick something. i ended up with an old standby... the sketchbook. another moleskin to add to the already ridiculous collection of half full sketchbooks. i also picked up a little package of colored pencils niftily packaged in a CD case. pair those with the micron pens i had stashed in my bag, and you have instant distraction.. for a few hours at least. on my way back to the hospital, i picked up the muffins mom had asked for in an attempt to keep a positive attitude. after that i went back, by then it was 10:30am. i went up to her room and waited.. nothing.. i walked back to the surgical waiting area and waited there too. after a couple of hours, i got a call from the nurses to talk to the surgeon. he must have been one of the nicest surgeons i've ever spoken to. normally they are kind of dry and uninterested in personal details about their patients. not dr. kerner though. he told me how the surgery went (pretty well), how big the abscess/blood clot was (not as big as they thought it was going to be), and how much they had to cut her (not as much as they did last time). we talked about her mobility, and what her goals were, and the meds he wanted to get her on and off of. it was so great to talk to this guy and feel like she has some hope to get some of what she lost back.
by this time, it was about noon. the dr. said she was in recovery and that it shouldn't be more than an hour before she was to be moved back upstairs. so i went back up to her room to wait for her. after about an hour and a half of waiting and drawing, i pulled her table up and put my head down for a nap. fast fwd another hour.... still no mom.. by this time i had just assumed that no call=no problem, and that since it was getting later in the day, audrey would be coming up. being stuck in a hospital room with nobody between us is a terrible idea.. it could have easily turned into a "she's being mean" story to my mom, which would only end up upsetting my mom (she's an EXCELLENT storyteller... bitch).... at that point i figured it was time for a field trip to visit aunt trudy at the elms and relive some memories and have some visits. after about another hour or so, i headed back to the hospital. when i arrived it was perfect timing that mom had arrived back in the room. come to find out, after the surgery where she was so heavily sedated, her breathing started to slow and they had to re-intubate her so she could breathe. again, being sedated this was difficult because she tried to pull the tube out of her throat.. at which point they restrained her. i guess groggy people don't enjoy tubes in their throats. i was a little shaken to hear all this had happened, but relieved it was all over.
i ended up texting audrey, and then she headed down. woo hoo. she tried to pull the whole victim act... knowing mom had just had surgery and was pretty uncomfortable... she has to build up her own ailments to make sure she is just as sick. it's just another reason i fucking despise this woman.
on a side story just to get some frustration out... while my mom was at healthsouth, i sent her a small painting of a paper crane. after doing that project last year, i re-told the story to my mom about how cranes are supposed to inspire good health and luck for the sick via a letter and painting... it meant alot to her. when she was sent back to the hospital, audrey was called to pick up her belongings from the rehab center.. what's the one thing she conveniently forgets? the painting. when my mom called her and asked her to bring it up, she had to tell her she forgot it... my mom, being the smart cookie that she is knew exactly what audrey was up to, got all mad and upset and had to yell at her. what the fuck? isn't she supposed to work at keeping my mom on an even keel and even temper so she doesn't give herself a heart attack? god i hate her sooooooooo much. i wanted to fucking clock her as soon as i saw her today. it's absolutely a good thing that i wasn't there alone with her.
knowing that she was somewhat stable i made plans with krissisan for dinner. she was off at 8, and it seemed like the perfect time to get dinner, hang out and talk with her, and then think about heading home for some sleep in my own bed. it seems once kris and i get talking there isn't really an end. dinner turned into an hour in my car, then a plan to hang out with her at home until nelson got home, and then once nelson got home i was yawning so much that i ended up accepting the orders to just sleep here. which means i will get to spend more time with my mom tomorrow.. yay! i get kind of anxious leaving her, but i hate feeling like a pain in the butt couch surfer (and please... i know i'm not really a pain.. but i'm kind of peculiar and enjoy the comfort of my own bed, with my own cats, with my own oddball night-owl habits, and i don't like disrupting other peoples nights.. even if they insist its ok. :)
i also accepted partly because i want to spend as much time with krissisan before she leaves for the army. i still can't believe she is going to go, but to hear her talk about it and what it means, how hard she's working to make it happen and how much she is looking forward to it, i get caught up in her excitement and am so happy for her. i know she will be great at it, but i'm still a little sad about seeing my best friend leave for a year. i will absolutely be there when she graduates and try to send her as many letters as i can. but, man... knowing she isn't just an hour or so's ride away, or a text message away from chatting... it's kind of heartbreaking.
well.. it's now about 2:30 am, and i'm struggling to type strait and keep things spelled correctly... more updates when i'm more conscious..
but.. one more thing. why the hell do cool things happen at home when i'm away on emergencies? U2 (yes, that U2, the brittish dudes with bono and whatnot) played a secret show at the somerville theater either yesterday, or the day before. U2 in tiny little davis square... a mere 10-15 minute walk from my home... one of my first jobs living in boston was at that theater... it's a huge awesome fucking thing... and i'm out here in western MA. i wouldn't even have cared if i could have gotten in to see the show. but to see all the hullabaloo and excitement so close to home would have been freaking awesome. from the short news clips i've read.. they shut down the whole square to cars and there were like a zillion people milling around.
and i missed it. dammit.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
i don't know why, but i'm a sucker for these things.
A
- Available: for good times.. and adventures
- Age: 18 days away from 27... gah!
- Annoyance level: 2-3 out of 10
- Animals: garcia, sway, zoe, and kumori (cats)... cumulus, ophelia, sylvester, and pecano' (chinchillas)... hassen (hopper) and... the fishies.
B
- Beer: no thanks.
- Birthday: march 26... to many reminders in this quiz!!!
- Best Friend: krissisan, nichy, and rain
- Best feeling in the world: falling asleep under a bright, clear sky full of stars...
- Best weather: new england springs and falls
- Been in Love: yes
- Been on stage? oh yes
- Believe in Magic: nah
- Books: currently reading the illustrators market... favorites are "lucky" and "the lovely bones" by alice seabold, the harry potter series (shut up), and "the day i turned uncool: confessions of a reluctant grown up" by dan zevin
C
- Candy: lifesavers
- Color: GREEN
- Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate
- Chinese/Mexican: if takeout.. chinese. if i'm cooking... mexican.
- Continent/Country to visit: australia and egypt
D
- Day or Night? night
- Dance in the rain? when i get the chance
E
- Eggs: yuck... unless they are scrambled with lots of cheese, pepper and a smidge of salt.
- Eyes: green/hazel
- Everyone has: weird habits.
F
- Favorite store: borders... old navy... artist and craftman supply.
- Food: tuna wiggle (family recepie... also comfort dinner)
G
- Greatest Fear: needles and spiders and clowns.. oh my!
- Gum: obitz mint mojito!
- Get along with your parents? mom.. yes.. dad... don't quite know.
- Good luck charm: don't really have one.. lame.
H
- Hair Color: we'll say red.
- Height: 6'0
- Happy?: mostly
- Holiday: thanksgiving and christmas
- How do you want to die: in my sleep.
I
- Ice Cream: JP licks kowlua and cappuchino crunch.
- Instrument: i'm partial to the bass guitar
J
- Jewelry: a few rings and 15 earrings
- Job: illustrator/babysitter/naughty toy peddlar
K
- Kids? not yet.
- Kickboxing or karate? i'm good at neither
- Keep a journal? aren't i writing here?
L
- Longest Car Ride: sacramento to MA
- Love: is nice.
- Letter: l is for laramee
- Laughed so hard you cried: probably talking about something with krissisan
M
- Milk flavor: um... white?
- Movie: love & sex = AMAZING
- Motion sickness? only on the water
- McDonalds or Burger King: not so much.
N
- Number of Siblings: haha... 5 (!)
- Number of Piercings: 15
- Numbers: 26
O
- One wish: can't name just one...
P
- Pepsi/Coke: diet coke
- Person you like: i like a bunch..
Q
- Quail: ...man?
R
- Reason to cry: prefer laughter over sadness
- Radio Station: 101.7 wfnx... also available to me via iphone... happy!
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: yes... i can also use it to tie cherry stems in knots...
S
- Song: just heard "red dragon tattoo" by fountains of wayne
- Shoe size: 13 in womens... like 12 in mens. i don't own many cute shoes.
5
- Salad Dressing: i'm boring.. ranch
- Slept outside: most summer nights
- Skinny dipped?:) yes
- Sing well? also yes
- In the shower? yessity yes
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries
T
- Time for bed: late
- Thunderstorms: LOVE LOVE them
- Tattoos: 7
U
- Unpredictable: me. for sure.
V
- Vacation spot: any place warm
W
- Weakness: friends in need
- Which one of your friends acts like you the most: n/a. my friends are all very unique
- Who makes you laugh the most: camp girls make me laugh alot.
- Worst feeling: guilt
- Wanted to be a model? yeah right.
- Where do we go when we die? who knows
- Worst Weather?: hurricanes? tornadoes? blizzards? tsunamis?
X
- X-rays: too many to count
Y
- Year it is now: 2009
- Yellow: t-shirt. i own one.
Z
- Zoo animal: tigers and red pandas
- Available: for good times.. and adventures
- Age: 18 days away from 27... gah!
- Annoyance level: 2-3 out of 10
- Animals: garcia, sway, zoe, and kumori (cats)... cumulus, ophelia, sylvester, and pecano' (chinchillas)... hassen (hopper) and... the fishies.
B
- Beer: no thanks.
- Birthday: march 26... to many reminders in this quiz!!!
- Best Friend: krissisan, nichy, and rain
- Best feeling in the world: falling asleep under a bright, clear sky full of stars...
- Best weather: new england springs and falls
- Been in Love: yes
- Been on stage? oh yes
- Believe in Magic: nah
- Books: currently reading the illustrators market... favorites are "lucky" and "the lovely bones" by alice seabold, the harry potter series (shut up), and "the day i turned uncool: confessions of a reluctant grown up" by dan zevin
C
- Candy: lifesavers
- Color: GREEN
- Chocolate/
- Chinese/
- Continent/
D
- Day or Night? night
- Dance in the rain? when i get the chance
E
- Eggs: yuck... unless they are scrambled with lots of cheese, pepper and a smidge of salt.
- Eyes: green/hazel
- Everyone has: weird habits.
F
- Favorite store: borders... old navy... artist and craftman supply.
- Food: tuna wiggle (family recepie... also comfort dinner)
G
- Greatest Fear: needles and spiders and clowns.. oh my!
- Gum: obitz mint mojito!
- Get along with your parents? mom.. yes.. dad... don't quite know.
- Good luck charm: don't really have one.. lame.
H
- Hair Color: we'll say red.
- Height: 6'0
- Happy?: mostly
- Holiday: thanksgiving and christmas
- How do you want to die: in my sleep.
I
- Ice Cream: JP licks kowlua and cappuchino crunch.
- Instrument: i'm partial to the bass guitar
J
- Jewelry: a few rings and 15 earrings
- Job: illustrator/babysitter/naughty toy peddlar
K
- Kids? not yet.
- Kickboxing or karate? i'm good at neither
- Keep a journal? aren't i writing here?
L
- Longest Car Ride: sacramento to MA
- Love: is nice.
- Letter: l is for laramee
- Laughed so hard you cried: probably talking about something with krissisan
M
- Milk flavor: um... white?
- Movie: love & sex = AMAZING
- Motion sickness? only on the water
- McDonalds or Burger King: not so much.
N
- Number of Siblings: haha... 5 (!)
- Number of Piercings: 15
- Numbers: 26
O
- One wish: can't name just one...
P
- Pepsi/Coke: diet coke
- Person you like: i like a bunch..
Q
- Quail: ...man?
R
- Reason to cry: prefer laughter over sadness
- Radio Station: 101.7 wfnx... also available to me via iphone... happy!
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: yes... i can also use it to tie cherry stems in knots...
S
- Song: just heard "red dragon tattoo" by fountains of wayne
- Shoe size: 13 in womens... like 12 in mens. i don't own many cute shoes.
5
- Salad Dressing: i'm boring.. ranch
- Slept outside: most summer nights
- Skinny dipped?:) yes
- Sing well? also yes
- In the shower? yessity yes
- Strawberries/
T
- Time for bed: late
- Thunderstorms: LOVE LOVE them
- Tattoos: 7
U
- Unpredictable: me. for sure.
V
- Vacation spot: any place warm
W
- Weakness: friends in need
- Which one of your friends acts like you the most: n/a. my friends are all very unique
- Who makes you laugh the most: camp girls make me laugh alot.
- Worst feeling: guilt
- Wanted to be a model? yeah right.
- Where do we go when we die? who knows
- Worst Weather?: hurricanes? tornadoes? blizzards? tsunamis?
X
- X-rays: too many to count
Y
- Year it is now: 2009
- Yellow: t-shirt. i own one.
Z
- Zoo animal: tigers and red pandas
Thursday, March 5, 2009
better
thank goodness. i'm starting to feel much better. not perfect, but at least i can sort of breathe. i'm thinking i may try to make it to work tomorrow to get myself out of bed... however, i need to promise myself not to push it as it will just make me sicker and push me back into bed.
things for my mom seem to get harrier. she's up then... she's way down. she was making extremely slow progress due to a slipped disc (thanks baystate medical center) and has now developed another blood clot in her... non leg? stump? pick a phrase. to make matters a little worse, she also fell. so any progress she had made at becoming more mobile has now been obliterated. because of the bloodclots in her leg, she's pretty adimant about not wanting to go back to baystate. which i can't say i blame her. she's pushing to come back to tufts. which really.. would make my day when it comes to her health. not to be selfish, but if she's got to be in the hospital i'd rather her be here so i can see her more regularly. the only downer of that is a real big one... i may have to let audrey into my house. mostly because her friend who lives in dorchester (also obnoxious beyond belief), well her roomate is a gay gal who likes to host get-togethers at her house. get-togethers that audrey and her friend are not invited too, mostly because of their straitness, plus, i bet the two of them drive that woman up the wall. if i don't offer to let her stay here, then my mom gets stressed out. so i kind of just need to grin and bear it. i can say... the thought of having her in my house makes me sick.. and even worse to have to deal with jenny-lee or whatever the fuck her name is... gag me please.
back to bed to rest of for tomorrow..
things for my mom seem to get harrier. she's up then... she's way down. she was making extremely slow progress due to a slipped disc (thanks baystate medical center) and has now developed another blood clot in her... non leg? stump? pick a phrase. to make matters a little worse, she also fell. so any progress she had made at becoming more mobile has now been obliterated. because of the bloodclots in her leg, she's pretty adimant about not wanting to go back to baystate. which i can't say i blame her. she's pushing to come back to tufts. which really.. would make my day when it comes to her health. not to be selfish, but if she's got to be in the hospital i'd rather her be here so i can see her more regularly. the only downer of that is a real big one... i may have to let audrey into my house. mostly because her friend who lives in dorchester (also obnoxious beyond belief), well her roomate is a gay gal who likes to host get-togethers at her house. get-togethers that audrey and her friend are not invited too, mostly because of their straitness, plus, i bet the two of them drive that woman up the wall. if i don't offer to let her stay here, then my mom gets stressed out. so i kind of just need to grin and bear it. i can say... the thought of having her in my house makes me sick.. and even worse to have to deal with jenny-lee or whatever the fuck her name is... gag me please.
back to bed to rest of for tomorrow..
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