really?

it's about 9:15 in the morning... i'm listening to WFNX. on thursday mornings they have a game called "my song is better than your song", where they have two people pick songs, then the listeners vote. my good friend derek, i used to be his nanny, i've been to more concerts with him than i can count... has been the reigning champ for 5 weeks now. this morning.. the bastard is up against chubby checker. the real chubby checker.... he's in the studio, playing his new song (which really kind of blows) against derek, who played an acoustic foo fighters song. its kind of odd and surreal to listen to derek (who is incidentally, also my insurance guy), who is probably sitting right next to chub, potentially beat a legendary recording artist at picking music.

however, it is derek we are talking about here. this is the same man, who i saw on television the night the sox won the world series (the first time.)...

i'm watching the game with stephen... it was back when he lived in allston and i lived in JP. the sox win... whoa. freak me out. awesome. we watch fox news start interviewing jimmy fallon. some nutcase has his hand on fallons head, follow the arm back... its derek. not only was he there in st. louis, but he managed to get on fox news. how does he manage these crazy things?!

derek is, and will always be, one of my favorite crazy people.

post game: derek just won. chubby checker actually sounded bummed about it...

it's 12:22...

... which means.... I AM GOING TO SEE THE KILLERS AT FOXWOODS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!! AUGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!

i've been listening to their albums all week long.. i am so excited i can't even stand it. i'm hoping i can get my camera in there....

i am also going to try my hand at gambling.. not much though. being a somewhat poor art student means budgeting, so i've alloted myself between $20-$30 which i plan to bring in cash so i can't spend more. maybe i win, maybe i don't. i am hoping to enjoy a couple of cocktails while i do it though...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

mental midget

i would definately not consider myself to be stupid.

yes... that is kind of an odd statement... it's true though. honestly, i have no mind for dates in history, what order the presidents are in, calculus (or any math really), verbs, adverbs, nouns, science in general, and definately... most importantly... i have no use for poetry. this involves shakespear. pass. to me... not interesting, not witty, not funny... no thank you. steve loves poetry, philosophy, and shakespear. being that we still exist in the same house, and we are still amazing friends, he thinks it's funny to badger me into listening to him as he reads shakespear out loud. he finishes a passage, and ask me "so what's he mean there?". my answer is always and will always be "i don't fucking know, please go away." not the most friendly response, but after 4 years of being badgered, someone(me), could(and has), gotten a little cranky.

i am more of a technically skilled person. i understand (for the most part) grammar (have you ever tried to figure out antecedents?!), i just choose not to properly use it all the time. i usually know where i am going, and if need be, i could easily survive in the wild. steve, unless he had a book about it and directions, would probably starve to death.

again, it's not because i'm dumb, i just don't like riddles, and to me, thats all shakespear is... giant, play sized riddles. i know what all the words he's reading mean, but i don't like trying to flip them around and change them in my mind to figure out what they're saying. just tell me the story, or read me calvin and hobbes... in the end, i'll be a much happier, less mentally stressed out person.

i mention all of this because steve had a date tonight. he took her to see a shakespear play on boston common. after his date, he came home to play the "lets read to ellie" game. i'm guessing he did this because she didn't really get shakespear either.. he just didn't have the books on hand to bug her with.

i'm betting after a few years she'll get cranky too.

14 years

this is a heavy post. it is what it is.

i've been watching my mom slowly die for about 14 years now. i don't remember the last time i got a positive answer when i asked the question... "how are you doing?" or "how are you feeling?". in her lifetime of 55 years she has endured lympadema, a massive heart condition, diabetes, the amputation of her leg stemmed from her ankle being broken and infected, a monthlong coma from bleeding internally, medication poisoning, and many more things that i couldn't possibly remember... it all stemmed from lyme disease. more recenyly, she has been so out of it, and lost due to medications and complications from poisoning, that sometimes she doesn't even know who i am when i call. today, i learned that she is now possibly going blind. she told me this afternoon that she was going to be in boston for (i guess) what they are calling a "doppler" eye test. i guess the plan is to meet them on the mass pike and lead them into the city. this all happens monday.

its so sad and scary to watch your only parent go through this. i feel terrible, but sometimes i really resent people i know who have two healthy parents. my "step" dad (who really was the only real dad i've ever had) died when i was 18 from a brain tumor. it was terrifying and emotionally devistating to see someone you've loved for almost your entire lifetime fade away like that.. it was slow, and painful, and he was scared. i remember alot of people telling him that he was going to be ok, it was a white lie that they kept telling him to make him feel better and give him hope. but it didn't give him that peace. he knew that he wasn't going to survive that, and that was probably the saddest and most painful part of all. while his death wasn't as long and drawn out as my mothers will have been, seeing both of them go through what they've gone though has been really depressing over the years.

seeing all of this also kind of brings out the anger in me for my "real" dad. he's there, with 5 daughters who in the big picture, he could really care less about. it would be so wonderful to be able to turn to him for some sort of parental support, but i know that i won't ever get that from him. he will always look at me with some sort of fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop.. waiting for me to get mad at him about the past that i couldn't control. i respect the decision he and my mother made, and i even understand why they did it. but still.. once my mom passes, i know that i won't really have a parent to turn to, someone who knows me like she does.

smile like you mean it..

and i am... because.... THERE IS LESS THAN ONE WEEK TILL WE GO SEE THE KILLERS AT FOXWOODS!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

rain, rain, you're ruining my art projects!!!

forecast for yesterday, rain. forcast for today, rain. forcast for the next week or so... rain. do you have any idea how hard it is to move 10 pen, ink, and watercolor drawings? it sucks. my hair is also on what seems to be a semi-permanent "friz" setting. when am i supposed to go to the beach with all this mess?

field trip

today my class went on a drawing field trip to st. marys church in brookline. i thought i would have liked it more, but i definitely didn't enjoy it. i would have rather gone to south station. there is just something about churches that bugs me. i completely appreciate their architechural beauty, but being in an actual church is a little bit unsettling. i'm kind of bummed that we have to go back next week. i'd much rather stay in class and work on my portfolio project....

speaking of that project... its going excellently. i've spent alot of time in the art wing of the boston public studying ukiyo-e, which is japanese woodblock art. my goal is to make my paper crane drawings look as though they were done in this style. according to my professor, i am doing a good job. i've picked out 9 origami paper patterns to recreate in pen and ink.. its hard. very hard. i'm being much more meticulous and picky than i usually am. so far, i've got 5 out of the 10 drawings outlined and shaded, and 2 of them are patterned in plain pen and ink. none of them have been colored yet.. that's the part i'm most dreading. i'm going to color them with watercolor paints.. so if i screw it up, i have to start that particular drawing all over again, and after spending about 5 hours doing one pattern, its not something i'd like to re-experience.

this project is awesome, but its certainly taking its toll on my sanity.

the dirty water kicked my ass

i cannot express enough, how much freaking fun i had yesterday. last night and this morning have been miserable-ish, my muscles are SCREAMING at me, my hair is filthy with charles river water, and amazingly enough, while i'm not burnt, i'm radiating heat. our trip was amazing. i'll say it again... AMAZING. we started off after krissisan arrived, by heading for soldiers field road in allston. we rented our kayaks. i was terrified that our trip was going to end at the dock with me flipping over a kayak. every time i've tried to use a kayak at camp, i've ended up in the water. this is where being a curvier gal isn't the most fun. it's just simple physics that dumps me out of those stupid things, but yesterday i learned that if i have a kayak i sit in, and not on, things are going to be just duckie. we asked the guy who was getting us into our kayaks if he thought going to boston was possible. he made it sound like an impossible trip.. totally not do-able for us, but we left, just looking for fun to see where these boats could take us. we paddled through cambridge, taking pictures watching geese, and just chit chatting, and it seemed like before we knew it, we could see the agganis arena and the mass pike. we continued around the bend and saw the BU bridge, and we just kept going. it seemed like only a short while after that we were coming to the mass ave bridge. once we had rounded that corner from cambridge into boston the waters were ridiculously choppy. we made it all the way over to the esplanade where we realized that we were starving and very thirsty. we were too excited and forgot to think about bringing food and water. we weren't really sure where to land for lunch, so we just picked a random spot on the beach where i had a fun "yucky river toes" experience getting out of the kayak.

at this point, we were kind of thinking wow. did we really make it that far? man.. those waters are choppy, and now we're heading back against the current. hoo boy. we kept on taking small breaks in the "big river" areas. a stop at the mass ave bridge scared the shit out of me when a girl popped around the corner. this crazy person JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE... INTO THE CHARLES and was just sitting there on one of the bridge supports like it was the most natural thing in the world. creepy chick. then we made a stop at one of the BU boat houses. it was about this time where i managed to brush up against one of the screws on my kayak just at the right angle, and just hard enough where i split my finger, and part of my nail open. it hurt like hell, and i had river water in it. ow, ow, ow... and still... we paddled on. once we made it back around what i am calling the BU bend, the waters were so much better. we were still fighting a little bit of current, but it was nice....

the trip in total, took us about 6 hours. it was hard, but we kept on agreeing that it was one of the best days yet...

we got back to the dock in allston... (dude... still... allston to boston?!) and hauled our soggy selves out of the kayaks. i was soaked, and yes, i keep on referencing the river water, because really... its kinda gross. this morning as i'm sitting here, i keep wondering if my sniffles are from the allergies i've been experiencing, or if i'm catching something from the swampy river. i'm also a little concerned about the cut on my finger... it was practically marinating in charles... kinda freaky to think about, for a germ freak like me anyways... i would also like to state, that because of krissy's complete awesomeness and attention to skin care... i didn't burn... i got a fantastic tan. i have freckly golden perfection all over... and i love it.

all in all, it was the best day ever. i really can't think of another day spent in the city that was anywhere near as exciting and fun as this adventure was. i can't wait to do it again...

now. as if our day wasn't exciting enough.. kristen mentioned that she was looking for a new bed and new sheets. i suggested ikea, she said yes. kayaking AND a trip to ikea?! SCORE!!! we came home, changed, and headed for stoughton. kris has never been to ikea, but after yesterday, i think she is a believer. she found a bed and amazing sheets, i know they are going to look amazing in her new room. i ended up getting a big paper lantern and a light fixture thingy to try and soften our living room. i can't wait... someday, i will have a house of my own, and it is going to be filled with amazing furniture and goodies from ikea....

did i mention that the day was awesome?

dirty water

today i am planning to find out just how much i love that dirty water. it's 9am, and krissisan has just called me to tell me she is on her way to boston, and today, is going to be an adventure. we are going to be renting kayaks and going out on the charles river. we are going to be starting off up near harvard square, and our goal is down around the mass ave bridge and the hatch shell. i've never done this before, except at camp, and i am darn excited. i'm also jazzed that i have my new waterproof camera to document the whole thing. i'm hoping and wishing that neither one of us falls in, they say the water isn't as dirty as it used to be, but i would like not to chance it.

last night i saw the dark knight. (no spoilers) the dig talked about past batman villians being silly, and weird, but then described heath ledger as the joker being truly scary... they were completely right. now, i was a little bent out of shape about the fact that i kept seeing so many clowns on screen (i'm a clown fearer, don't judge), but oddly enough, i couldn't take my eyes off the joker. i wanted to see what seriously crazy thing he was going to do next... its hard for me to like a villian, but i LOVED this character. i liked that all of his villianous ways were never calculateable, expected, or of the normal villian standard. if the joker returns in another batman movie, he's going to have some damn big shoes to fill.

as seen on TV

ok. so i'm not available on TV yet, but i can be found in a local somerville store. my little plush owls, and some of my "sweet accessory" plush pins are going to be carried in magpie, a small store in davis square. i've decided that i am going to do the owls in maybe 4 colors.. the original brown, and the new grey, white, and black.. (pics of them soon)

plymouth yesterday was awesome. i went alone, and in the end, i think that was the better way. the plan was to head down there after class.. that didn't exactly work out because once i got to class, my professor didn't show up. we all sat there for a half hour before we made an attendance list and hit the road. i figured i could have either gone back to somerville, or leave for providence from brookline. i tried calling my uncle, but got no answer. i later discovered it was because he had left his phone on the boat (because really, who wants to answer their cell phone on vacation?) since i couldn't reach them to let them know i was coming, i decided that i was going to call all of the marinas in plymouth (i could only really find one) and just head down there. i figured that if i couldn't find them or get ahold of them by phone, i would just find a dock somewhere and do what i couldn't do in class that day.. draw. i got down there and drove from one end of plymouth to the other (took about 5 minutes lol) and when i was just about to settle onto one of the docks, i got ahold of them. my uncle gave me directions to the marina, and then picked me up in the dinghy. i then spent the rest of the afternoon chatting with my aunt, and the two longtime family friends they were traveling with. it was one of the best afternoons i've had in a long time.




my aunt trudy and i

a practice run for my "sea legs"

i'm looking forward to tomorrow. after school(god, those two words make me sound like a ten year old), i will be making the trip down to plymouth MA. my aunt trudy and uncle tom are on vacation... their vacation is a sailing trip from stonington CT (where their boat is usually docked) to provincetown MA with, obviously, their stop in plymouth. i'm definately excited to see them. i'm not positive if steve is making the trip with me just yet, he's going to be in court all day tomorrow, that plus, i might just like some alone time with them given our present situation. i will definately be seeing them again later this month though, i'm going to be down at foxwoods to see the killers on july 31, which is about 20 minutes away from stonington CT. the plan is to go see the killers and then skip over to see them and spend the weekend. supposedly, the t&t (aunt trudy and uncle toms' boat), and the oneiros (aunt alison and uncle archies' boat) are going to be doing a rafting thing together since i asked to come down and visit... woo! boat party!!!

this trip to plymouth to see them should be good practice for hanging out on a boat. i'm a true land lover in the sense that i've always camped more than i've sailed, which is odd since sailing kind of runs in our family. my grandfather, aunt, and uncle had/currently have great big sailboats that they go down and stay on every weekend. my mom, being the oddball that she was, turned me into a camper instead of a sailor.

pics to come (if i remember to bring my camera)

a safer way to blog

i've seen a few of my friends (ok. 2. aaron and linda) start to use this blogspot business.

life right now is terribly complicated, and this is how it started...

back at the end of april, the friday before marathon monday. i was on my way home from hubba hubba. i got on the escalator at davis square, and noticed it was busy. now the odd thing about that, is around 9pm davis square is quiet, but this particular friday it was packed. i must have had some stupid look on my face wondering what the hell was going on because the man in front of me commented "it seems really busy here tonight".

normally, strangers talking to me would get a short answer, or just a head nod, but there was something about this man that caught my attention. i answered back, "yeah, maybe people are in for the marathon?" definitely not the slickest reply, but i was caught off guard.

by the time we had finished our brief exchange we were at the top of the escalator. i got off to wait for the bus and he went out the door in the other direction. i really expected that to be it. i'm standing there waiting for the bus, and i see him come back around the corner.. heading right in my direction. he introduced himself, and gave me his card with his email address on it. he told me he thought i was cute and that if i would like to get coffee sometime that i should email him.

there is some back story to this... things like that don't happen to me. i work at hubba hubba, and i am used to the random pervert hoping to touch my butt or something equally odd and disturbing... but handsome men, do not generally ask me to coffee. being a curvier gal, i am used to, and maybe almost like, being invisible. it means that people aren't going to bug me.

so. i feeling like a million bucks, i put his card in my wallet telling myself, yes, i am totally going to email this guy. he was so nice.. how could i not? yes, i have to email him to thank him, and also let him know i have a boyfriend. that is the right, polite, thing to do.

not quite knowing how to write this email, i procrastinated for about a week. i thanked him for coming back to talk to me, and told him that i was in a relationship of almost 4 years. he wrote back, i wrote back again.. and i left it at this... "maybe we can grab a cup of coffee if we end up in the right place at the right time."

life went on. i went to school and work, saw friends, just kind of lived life.

a month later(really. almost a month to the day). i'm on my way home from hubba hubba again. standing at the central square T. really tired. excited about going to see sex and the city.. it had opened that night (there is another fun back story coming up.. again). wondering if i was supposed to pick dinner up or cook it.. damn. my ipod battery is dying... things like that.

T arrives. i get on. i'm standing there, and before the doors closed, a man zipped in. i see him.. start thinking.. hmm. he looks familiar.. where do i know himOHMYGOD. of course, it was chris. (yes, that's his name)



back on the T. he says hello, and we just started chit chatting. he's really nice. he's also a graphic designer. we get to davis and agree to go get that coffee. we hung out in davis square, listening to the guitarist that plays there on summer nights. he likes marine fish tanks. similar music likes.... it was surreal.

then it was time for me to go home. time to go see sex and the city.

there was more interaction between us, and over the week or so that we kept seeing each other, i started asking myself all of these questions... "why am i so attracted to him" "what does this mean?" "are steve and i just settling for each other?"

so, eventually i brought this up to steve, and the long and short of it is that we have decided to take a break. although, i feel like an idiot because after all of our chatting and hanging out, chris has decided to continue dating someone he was taking a break from.

so, now i live with stephen, we are taking a break, he's dating a girl (who he's not being fucking honest with about the fact that he has and is living with me, his [technical] GF) and i just feel lost. i tried seeking out another date, and it went horribly. i gave craigslist another shot (hey, its how steve and i met in the first place) and not only did i meet another chris, but i decided, since he was giving me the creepy vibes, not to actually meet. i believe he came into hubba on friday, so maybe i'm being stalked. after weeding through all of the freaky responses i've received, i realized that i don't really want to date anyone else. chris (not the creepy one) made me question everything that i knew was right in my relationship, and to be completely honest, i would have loved to give dating him an honest shot.

now stephen is also questioning us, and its just very odd. i haven't slept alone (i thought sleeping in seperate spaces would be best during all this) in almost 4 years.. and even though its ok... i still have that lost feeling.