time is no longer my friend

where the hell did the last week go? i realized yesterday that it has been a week since my mom has been gone. i can't even begin to describe how much i miss her right now. everything is so fresh.. i see her name in my address book whenever i scroll by the L's. her voicemail from 7/15 is still on my phone. hearing her voice is like reliving the whole thing over again.. and to go back and think that i won't actually hear her voice again is completely devastating. it's actually alot worse than that, but i can't really think of a word to properly encompass exactly how this all feels. i've also been going through the guestlist marking RSVP's.. her name is the first name on my side of the family's list. to think ahead to september makes me sick to my stomach. everyone keeps saying (and i apologize if you are part of the "Everyone", please don't take this personally) that "she'll be there".. the part of me that's still really angry wants to snap "shut up, it's not the same".. and the reasonable part of me finds some comfort in that. i listen to the reasonable part most of the time.

the few days in between her death and the funeral services were horrific. i don't think i would have been able to mentally cope with them were my family not there. especially aunt penny. she stayed for the entire time.. right up until the end. the day after she died she came with me to davids bridal to have my final dress fitting. i certainly won't go into details, but i pretty much lost my shit standing there in front of the seamstress. i'm grateful i wasn't out in the main store, but in one of the back rooms where my freak out was contained.

i got home monday night, and with the exception of a brief trip to central square on wednesday, this afternoon was the first time i've been out of bed all week. i've just been sleeping. garcia has been my main company. man that cat is clingy.. and noisy come to think of it.

i have no idea what i really belive in when it comes to religion. i don't know if i believe in signs, and other funny stuff like that.. but i see and hear of odd things that have been happening and it definitely sets my mind wondering. the bumblebee on the photo, the rose of sharon in aunt trudy's yard, the ferret cap on the snapple, the weird little bee-looking bugs that have been in my "garden" this week... all of those little odditys led me to make a really fast and rash decision. i ended up getting a tattoo of the bumblebee that kept landing on the photo. i got it in a rather visible spot.. mostly becuase i wanted to be able to see it easily all the time.. and also quite a bit because i didn't really think it out. c'est la vie.. i have no real regrets on getting it though, plus i had rain and nicole to support my crazy decision. the detail on it is AMAZING.. so amazing that once again, i cannot find the words. it's fuzzy looking, has little bee antenae, gossamer wings.. it even has little bee toes. i'll post more pictures once it's healed.. the iphone really didn't do the work any justice..

along with sadness, last week brought alot of anger. mostly towards all of the complete lack of respect and bullshit that audrey and the family have brought to this time. .. more on that at a later blog..

back to work tomorrow. boo.

Deborah A. Laramee 1952-2009

Deborah A. Laramee 1952 – 2009 SPRINGFIELD – Deborah A. “Debbie” Laramee, 56, of the Hungry Hill section of Springfield was Called Safely Home on Wednesday, August 5, 2009. She was born in Springfield on September 22, 1952, a beloved daughter of Ernestine M. (Lizakowski) Laramee of Chicopee and the late Emile A. “Bucky” Laramee who was Called Home on April 28, 1994. She was raised in Chicopee and graduated from Chicopee High School. She lived in Chicopee until 1979 when she moved to the Hungry Hill section of Springfield. She was employed as a bookkeeper at Longmeadow Flowers and Pat Parker and Sons in Springfield. She was a longtime Girl Scout Troop Leader in Springfield. She was a communicant of Saint Patrick Church in Chicopee Falls. Besides her beloved father, she was predeceased by her former husband, Ralph H. Morse, Jr. who was Called Home in 2000. Besides her beloved mother, she leaves her loving daughter, Ellien E. “Ellie” Laramee and her fiancé, Stephen B. Byers, both of Somerville; her dear brothers and sister, Ronald W. Laramee and his wife, Marcia of Cape Neddick, ME, Alison E. Cochrane and her husband, Archie of Mystic, CT, Thomas M. Laramee and his wife, Trudy and Duane A. Laramee, all of Chicopee. She also leaves her many dear nephews, nieces and friends including her best friend, Penny Lam and her husband, Gent of Westfield. Her Funeral Service will be held on Monday morning, August 10, 2009 at 10 a.m. at the St. Pierre – Phaneuf Aldenville Chapels, (413-532-9806), 13 Dale Street (at the junction of Grattan Street) in Chicopee. Her burial will follow the service at Sainte Rose Cemetery, 49 Olsen Street in Chicopee. Her family will receive friends at the funeral home in the Rose Chapel on Sunday, August 9, 2009 from 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. The parking lot and main entrance are located in the rear of the funeral home at 20 Lafayette Street, Chicopee, MA 01020.

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it's been a long couple of days. i'll start at the beginning.


sunday afternoon, i got a call telling me that they were bringing my mom to the hospital, and that they were going to do some tests to figure out what was causing her to go downhill.

later that night, i received another call saying that she had a serious infection that was causing her to go septic, high coumadin levels, and low blood pressure. they were sending her to catscan since her blood pressure was low.. they were tring to find out if she was having internal bleeding again.

it turned out that she was bleeding internally from a preforated intestine that had folded onto itself.. along with a raging infection from bedsores and other various things.. all of which were causing low bloodpressure.

they started giving her a super strong antibiotic to combat the infection and sepsis, platelets to try and stimualte coagulation, and a medication to raise her blood pressure. along with these, they were also giving her painkillers from all the pain the sores (which mostly covered her body.. this happens after being in bed since december), which was causing more problems with blood pressure lowering.. which painkillers do.

she had a conversation with doctors about what she wanted to happen for her.. she had told them that she didn't want to end up back in ICU, didn't want to be intubated should she have breathing issues, and didn't want to be resusitated should her heart stop.

i arrived in springfield around 2:30 am sunday morning.. and was told about what she wanted... which i already knew anyways.. and i then made the decision to follow her wishes. by this time, it was about 4am.. they stopped all of the treatments they were giving her, and moved her up to a regular room. they started her on a morphine drip to relax and make her comfortable. they also increased it steadily every hour and a half or so.

by the next evening, there was talk about how much the morphine was helping her and whethere or not she seemed comfortable.. which she didn't. her nurses talked with physicians and doctors and the decision was made to place her on dilotted (sp?) which is much more powerful than morphine. by around 10pm, they made the switch, and it seemed to relax her almost immediately.

for those of you curious about the difference.. here is the example. the highest step for morphine that she got to was 22 miligrams per hour. she had been on this for about 18 or so hours and was still fidgety and uncomfortable. when they started her on dilotted, she started at 3 miligrams per hour, and was nearly immeadiately peaceful.

by about 4:30 this morning, she had passed away to a much better place.

i would not have been able to deal with all of this if it weren't for my amazing family. SO MANY people came through.. called, texted.. emailed. the support has been overwhelming. to aunt penny, uncle gent, aunt jackie, aunt trudy, aunt kinnin, uncle tom, uncle duane, uncle danny, dan, dawn, linda, crystal, amber, heather, charlotte, uncle fran.. and anyone else i might have forgotten.. thank you for coming.. thank you for the mom stories and making me laugh when i really just wanted to cry.. you made the past 27 hours bearable.

after my moms passing, it's completely been my uncle tom who took charge of everything. making plans for events is not something i'm good at, especially when i am stressed out. to uncle tom, you are the most amazing uncle.. thank you soo much.

well.. i have a limited amount of time, before i have to do this, that, and many, many other things.. more updates as they are warrented.

where is the time going?

all week i had been planning to blog. i just ended up busy, busy, busy.

this week, i spent a great deal of time at the beach. my goal is to get to the golden tan color i used to get as a kid. thank you indian heritage for helping me get so amazingly golden.. and to my polish side.. thank you for giving me freckles. most people frown upon them.. but i dig them.

almost every day last week was spent at nahant beach. the sand is so soft and smooth.. the water is clear and perfect.. it's wonderful.

when i wasn't at the beach, i was working on wedding things. i got the very last of the invitations out. i've also been stalking our mailman like crazy. i do love opening mail. i also ordered little things for caity and amelia.. who are now my flower girls. yet another reason to spoil them rotten. :)

AND. when i wasn't doing wedding things, i've been creating art. i've taken to drawing flowers. they are so pretty, and i really love drawing the organic shapes and soft flowing lines. i drew most of the flowers that i used on the invitations, and after that was kind of hooked. i've drawn flowers that amber and ben took, and recently saw a photo of some hydrangias that becky took. she said i could use it as a reference photo and have decided that i am going to make it a large scale piece. the colors in it are so gorgeous, i'm really excited to draw and then paint it.


it seems like this week will hopefully be full of more beach trips.. maybe some pool trips.. tuesday i am headed to western MA to have my final dress fitting. i have to have the dress taken in and bustled.. i'm super excited that it's being taken in. when i first got the dress, it was tight. i started going to the gym and eating really fresh fruits and veggies and over the summer have lost around 30lbs. i'm super happy about this. plus, i feel much better than i did.

it's all very exciting.

most of the beach trips were spent with rain and nicole.. i also got some hang out time with randi and chris too.. all in all it was a good week.

again.. promises for blogging.. but we'll see about time constraints.