i am friggin jazzed right now... why you ask? because my BFF is almost here!!!!! tomorrow, the plan is to roam the streets of boston window shopping and talking.. two of my favorite things to do with her.
OMGZZZ I'M SO 'CITED!!!!
also, i have to rave about the all veggie lasagne i made. i got the recepie from the new-ish show "cook yourself thin". it's amazing. instead of meat and all that other crap, it's layers of fresh veggies and whole wheat pasta. it gets rid of more than half the calories. i was a bit skeptical, but it was really delish.
bit of sauce in the bottom, noodles, peppers and fresh basil leaves, noodles, sauce, part skim ricotta mixed with spinach, noodles, sauce, fresh oregano and broccoli, noodles, sauce, then top it off with skim mozzarella cheese. bake until golden brown. AMAZING. steve was not so much a fan since he's a carnivore, and he likes alot of spices in the meats. he seems to be the only obstacle about this cooking healthy thing. he always complains that there isn't enough spicy in my cooking.
not only have i further improved my cooking habits, but i went to the gym every day this week. 1 hour on the treadmill... i break it down so that it's about 45 minutes walking at 3mph and 15 minutes of jogging/running at 4.5 mph. since i carry so much extra weight with me, this is all the jogging/running my knees and back can take.. i've tried more, but then ended up full of ibuprophen and in bed for the rest of the day. after the treadmill, i go and do the 30 minute cycle muscle machine thingys. this is also slightly killer, but i'm still going to keep at it. at the end of the workout, i usually feel much more energized than when i started.
next weekend, i belive i have a photo shoot with ash for my pre-bridals. since he his primarily a fetish model.. i agreed to take some.... stranger... shots with him. but hopefully mostly traditional.. my friends are friggin awesome.
woo! k-san is almost heeeeerrrrreeee!!!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
life just gets better and better
so, i've figured out why the little princess hasn't returned yet. while she is close to home, we've tried everything (except the cat trap that arrives with krissisan on thursday) to capture or lure her back into the house. including sleeping with the windows and screens open with stacks of furniture outside our bedroom window, wet cat food on the window sill, the other cats locked out of our bedroom, and the temperature lingering in the 50's at night (yay new england!).
ok.. i was rambling.. so we did all of that, and can hear her scurrying around with her collar and bell.. tonight i hear her howling. which can only mean one thing.
she's in heat.
so.. once we finally do catch the little devil she may be pregnant.. which then means that she will have her kittens... which will THEN mean that i am going to have to coax steve into letting the kittens get adopted out since he...
interrupted again. why? because she appeared under our window and was successfully lured with kibble.
thank christ. i just hope she's not pregnant.
ok.. i was rambling.. so we did all of that, and can hear her scurrying around with her collar and bell.. tonight i hear her howling. which can only mean one thing.
she's in heat.
so.. once we finally do catch the little devil she may be pregnant.. which then means that she will have her kittens... which will THEN mean that i am going to have to coax steve into letting the kittens get adopted out since he...
interrupted again. why? because she appeared under our window and was successfully lured with kibble.
thank christ. i just hope she's not pregnant.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
little kitteh lost
kumori is missing. we believe she escaped from the house sometime friday night. how she got out... we're still not sure. last night, we spent about an hour following the sound of her bell around trying to catch the little speed demon. after we went to bed, i could still hear her little bell in both our backyard, and underneath our window. most of last night was spent sitting in the house with both the front and back door wide open so that she might wander back into the house. (for those of you remember JP, the last time i did this i ended up chasing a possum through my house.) at about 4:30 this morning, i could hear her directly under my window meowing. it was a meow i'm familiar with.. when she's here.. she stands up on her back feet and puts her front paws on my lap and meows to be picked up. (i speak cat.) i went outside after her again, but.. she evaded me. whether she's just having fun or is confused about how to get back in the house.. i'm not sure. we locked the other 3 cats in my studio and left the screen windows open for her.
steve has turned into a nervous mother. i catch him with a morose look on his face.. like he's just been told terrible news. i try to comfort him by reassuring him that she started her life outside, and it pretty capable as wild cats go. and that while living in a much busier neighborhood in cambridge, sway once spent the better part of 2 months outside and i still got her back. not to mention that it's just summer now, so there isn't any worry of her freezing to death. he finally admitted that he's concerned she will come home pregnant.. and talks about taking her to the kitty planned parenthood.. which i didn't really find all that amusing. i explained to him that it wasn't such a big deal to adopt them out on craigslist. he gave me these funny looks and i finally pryed out of him that he's worried he won't be able to let them go on CL.. HE'S A CRAZY CAT MAN!!! for such a jerk, he sure does have alot of love for the k
ha. i'm going to tease him about that forever.
my train of thought was completely derailed as the little purrball just went tearing by my window causing me to run outside to try and catch her.... point is... she's missing, and we've gotta catch her. oy.
in other news, i'm trying my hand at gardening again. a recipe i'm trying this week (veggie lasagna) calls for fresh basil. since stop and shop was out of it in packages, i was forced to get a live plant. the live plants were 2 for $5 which lead me to also buy cilantro (which i use in my homemade citrus salsa). since the plants in S&S only come in the little pots that will eventually strangle a plant, i went to home depot.... see how this is getting complicated?... where i was lured into the idea that i might be able to keep a container garden of fresh herbs alive with the help from the sunshine on my front porch and some snazzy aqua globes. soooo... i ended up getting more basil (have you ever tried a salad made of basil leaves.. it's exquisite), thyme, greek oregano, and one of my favorite plants... lavender. i also bought a big ass bag of dirt... no, i'm sorry.... "vegetable and herb potting soil" put all of that together.. and you get this....
my problem with plants is usually that i forget to water them, which probably explains why the succulents that require very little attention and water are thriving and threatening to completely take over my kitchen windowsill... hence the aqua globes. here's to gardening and to healthier eating!things in general have been busy. i kind of made a promise to myself that instead of getting sucked into daytime reality tv, i would keep the television off from the time i get up until at least 6pm. i've found that it had dramatically improved my work drive and errand running skills. last week i went to the RMV twice to get things i'd been putting off for months done. i also got a great walk downtown. i think that as it gets even warmer, i will spend more time downtown in the vicinity of the boston common with a pad of paper and my pencils. i might change my tune to in-studio working where the AC is nice once it gets warmer... but for now.. i'm going to enjoy spring in boston.
my goal of eating healthier has alot been on an upswing. i put all of my routines through a major change when i got rid of the junk and primarily cooked with fresh or frozen veggies, whole wheat and grain starches (where needed) and the freshest possible organic meats. well i'm taking it one step further with adding in alot of... roughage? i really like kashi go-lean crunch, but honestly it's texture is like chewing on rocks. i've never been much of a fan of the fruit in cereals routine, or of fruit in general. but, i figure if i'm really going to adhere to this whole healthy business, i've got to "make fruits my friends". i bought bananas. usually the only place i enjoy bananas is in banana bread. the texture of fresh bananas does generally not make me a happy person.. plus the weird taste in my mouth for the rest of the day is also a major turn off. but they're healthy, so i'm going to endure them. i've also not really even been a huge fan of the strawberry/banana combo but i paired it up in my kashi. i'm not so sure i like it... but i'm going to keep on giving it an honest shot and see where it gets me. that, plus i plan to bring apples as snacks for my boston walks so i'm not tempted to just stop for a bagel.
enough boring yip-yappage about fruits and whatnot... time for a shower and more kitten hunting.
more this week.
Monday, May 4, 2009
a busy weekend and a new haircut
the past thursday, friday, and saturday was the 35th Annual Massachusetts SkillsUSA State Leadership and Skills Conference in Marlboro MA. i would normally just stick with my tradition of not capitalizing... but states is an event that merits the caps.
every year, the conference gets larger. this year, there was about 1700 high school students from MA vocational high schools competing. to say that it was an event was to say the pacific ocean is small. this year, it seemed like a whole new conference... the kids just seemed a little... different. maybe more spirited? i was fortunate to be the lead security gal at the hampton inn with pam, juan (jonathan), ezra, and ramon as the alumni presence. that was also friggin sweet. with only 4 schools. one of the schools i could have done without... but the other 3 were beyond fantastic. i arrived at the conference late this year, and when i pulled up one of the advisors started yelling to me from across the parking lot "i knew you'd make it" and "we're glad to see you!!". it was a really nice feeling. this particular school had 100 students and was awesome enough to bring 25 advisors with them. easily one of the best alumni/advisor experiences i've ever had.
for competition day, pam and i were stationed at the marriot with the customer service and entrepreneurship competition teams. this also meant that our event managers were june and kathy.. who i absolutely love. i was named as the resident tech geek and spent alot of time working with the teams to make sure they could hook up and run their presentations with the projector i brought. there were alot of frustrating moments where i just wanted to toss laptops around.. but i made it through the morning with very few headaches. june and kathy are almost always no nonsense when it comes to getting the kids in and out to present and test. i don't remember one year where we were ever behind... always ahead of schedule. makes me happy every time. since the competitions went so smoothly, pam and i headed back to the best western to see the other alumni.. after that it was back to our hotel for some pizza sales and a break. we were again fortunate to be able to enjoy naps. this is the benefit of being an "old" alumni member. dinner was fairly uneventful.. after that i ended up heading to the trade center to help set up our rock band fundraiser before the dance. i basically just went down there to play a song or two on rock band. after that, i was headed back up to the best western hotel to take over elevator duty and set up some board games for the kids that didn't want to be at the dance. again... it was a fairly uneventful night of telling kids they couldn't go up to their rooms without their advisor... same spiel as every year.
the rest of the night was completely quiet as far as security goes. around 1:30am, pam and i headed over to the best western to say hi and see how their security detail was going... it was mostly quiet there too. around 2 am, kevin and i ended up in the trade center to see how the chair setup was going.. seemed a little slow, so we decided to pitch in and help everyone get to bed. again... business as usual for a SLSC.
the next day.. awards ceremony.. then helping scott pack up radios... then it was to the 99 pub for some late lunch and a heck of alot of laughing with pam, chris, and chris (both S. lol). we were laughing so hard we had stomach and head aches.
then... home to sleep. i got home about 5pm. slept till 11pm. ordered dinner. then went back to sleep. sunday i woke up around 12:30, was up for about 2 hours... then napped for about 3. i was up again until about 10:30pm before i retreated back to bed until about 10:30 this morning. can you tell that these weekends exhaust me?!
opening session.. about 1700 kids and who knows how many advisors, as hoyin said "controlled chaos"
the alumni relax with a couple of rounds in rock band in our uber stylish yellow t-shirts. barf.
after setting up 2000+ chairs in the best western trade center. so exhausting.
i woke up just in time to make it to my haircut appointment. if it hadn't been in winter hill, i never would have made it. i made the appointment with christine (of the "NYC Roadtrip" fame). i had no idea that she was a hairdresser until i saw a bulletin she posted on myspace. if you asked me name the 3 top people who you think have the most style, she would be up there. also on the list.. are rain and maggs. christine is amazing in the way that she is punky and artsy, and just plain cool. i basically told her.. do what you will with it. she cut my hair in a way that it's never been cur before... straitened with a flatiron and completely dry. the cut came out absolutely amazing. i hope she never leaves somerville because i don't think i'll ever get as good a haircut again. for serious. every other haircut i've ever gotten has left me wishing i looked good in hats.
love it. i've never seen my hair so strait... not too sure if i'm going to keep it up, or let it go to my natural wavy style.. i don't think i have the patience to keep it so strait. i probably also lost about 3 or 4 inches. i can't wait to cut it all off in september.
every year, the conference gets larger. this year, there was about 1700 high school students from MA vocational high schools competing. to say that it was an event was to say the pacific ocean is small. this year, it seemed like a whole new conference... the kids just seemed a little... different. maybe more spirited? i was fortunate to be the lead security gal at the hampton inn with pam, juan (jonathan), ezra, and ramon as the alumni presence. that was also friggin sweet. with only 4 schools. one of the schools i could have done without... but the other 3 were beyond fantastic. i arrived at the conference late this year, and when i pulled up one of the advisors started yelling to me from across the parking lot "i knew you'd make it" and "we're glad to see you!!". it was a really nice feeling. this particular school had 100 students and was awesome enough to bring 25 advisors with them. easily one of the best alumni/advisor experiences i've ever had.
for competition day, pam and i were stationed at the marriot with the customer service and entrepreneurship competition teams. this also meant that our event managers were june and kathy.. who i absolutely love. i was named as the resident tech geek and spent alot of time working with the teams to make sure they could hook up and run their presentations with the projector i brought. there were alot of frustrating moments where i just wanted to toss laptops around.. but i made it through the morning with very few headaches. june and kathy are almost always no nonsense when it comes to getting the kids in and out to present and test. i don't remember one year where we were ever behind... always ahead of schedule. makes me happy every time. since the competitions went so smoothly, pam and i headed back to the best western to see the other alumni.. after that it was back to our hotel for some pizza sales and a break. we were again fortunate to be able to enjoy naps. this is the benefit of being an "old" alumni member. dinner was fairly uneventful.. after that i ended up heading to the trade center to help set up our rock band fundraiser before the dance. i basically just went down there to play a song or two on rock band. after that, i was headed back up to the best western hotel to take over elevator duty and set up some board games for the kids that didn't want to be at the dance. again... it was a fairly uneventful night of telling kids they couldn't go up to their rooms without their advisor... same spiel as every year.
the rest of the night was completely quiet as far as security goes. around 1:30am, pam and i headed over to the best western to say hi and see how their security detail was going... it was mostly quiet there too. around 2 am, kevin and i ended up in the trade center to see how the chair setup was going.. seemed a little slow, so we decided to pitch in and help everyone get to bed. again... business as usual for a SLSC.
the next day.. awards ceremony.. then helping scott pack up radios... then it was to the 99 pub for some late lunch and a heck of alot of laughing with pam, chris, and chris (both S. lol). we were laughing so hard we had stomach and head aches.
then... home to sleep. i got home about 5pm. slept till 11pm. ordered dinner. then went back to sleep. sunday i woke up around 12:30, was up for about 2 hours... then napped for about 3. i was up again until about 10:30pm before i retreated back to bed until about 10:30 this morning. can you tell that these weekends exhaust me?!
opening session.. about 1700 kids and who knows how many advisors, as hoyin said "controlled chaos"
the alumni relax with a couple of rounds in rock band in our uber stylish yellow t-shirts. barf.
after setting up 2000+ chairs in the best western trade center. so exhausting.
i woke up just in time to make it to my haircut appointment. if it hadn't been in winter hill, i never would have made it. i made the appointment with christine (of the "NYC Roadtrip" fame). i had no idea that she was a hairdresser until i saw a bulletin she posted on myspace. if you asked me name the 3 top people who you think have the most style, she would be up there. also on the list.. are rain and maggs. christine is amazing in the way that she is punky and artsy, and just plain cool. i basically told her.. do what you will with it. she cut my hair in a way that it's never been cur before... straitened with a flatiron and completely dry. the cut came out absolutely amazing. i hope she never leaves somerville because i don't think i'll ever get as good a haircut again. for serious. every other haircut i've ever gotten has left me wishing i looked good in hats.
love it. i've never seen my hair so strait... not too sure if i'm going to keep it up, or let it go to my natural wavy style.. i don't think i have the patience to keep it so strait. i probably also lost about 3 or 4 inches. i can't wait to cut it all off in september.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
bliggity blog updateage
things have been busy in the past couple of weeks. i spent a good chunk of time out at my moms making myself nuts. it wouldn't be so bad if it was just the cleaning, but i think there is something seriously wrong in her head (she has had s series of mini strokes in the past) and i feel like i am finally starting to see some of the tolls that have been taken on her. she just seems so up and down on what it is she wants and defending how great stan and audrey are, and it's all putting me on an emotional roller coaster.... which i REALLY FUCKING HATE.
my life in general is really quiet. i listen in on rains drama, and try to sort through my own problems with making full time work, issues with steve, and trying to keep my life organized. i listen to alot of music, draw alot, hang with friends, and walk around boston. this is my life, and i'm really happy with it. what i do not deal with is yelling. i don't like yelling at people, and i hate being yelled at and it seems to be something i encounter only when i'm at home with my mom. it makes me just want to throw up my hands at the whole situation and let go.. which i can't. because i'm a fucking sucker. and yes, i know thats not entirely true.. but thats how i end up feeling sometimes.
this was not supposed to be a ranting blog. on to better things.
this weekend is the 35th annual Massachusetts SkillsUSA State and Leadership conference. (what a mouthful!) i always look forward to it. like camp, it's a place that i feel at home. its amazing to see the students get that feeling of accomplishment once they won medals. i have to admit, i also feel really warm and fuzzy when i see kids that were on my team at the Fall State Leadership Conference pass me and then stop to share their moment of happiness with me. i love working with the alumni association. i can't even believe that this is my 13th conference. 3 days full of super early mornings to get kids on their buses for competition, late nights of walking around hotel halls looking for the night owls.. knocking on their doors to tell them to zip it, new state officers, amazing alumni.... it's all just so fast moving. completely amazing.
i also may have a chance at a job that i reaaaaallllly want. no details just yet, but i've revamped my resume and sent it in with the recommendation of 2 people. oh man, do i want this job. i would absolutely keep on illustrating and whatnot, but this job could lead to a career that i really want.
i also might be getting a mac. another huge YAY and hugs to chris.
um... i guess the only other exciting thing is that i got yet even more watercolor paints, bringing my total number of sets to about 12. i won't even get into the paintbrushes.
oh.. spring here in boston is completely fabulous. i love it.
my life in general is really quiet. i listen in on rains drama, and try to sort through my own problems with making full time work, issues with steve, and trying to keep my life organized. i listen to alot of music, draw alot, hang with friends, and walk around boston. this is my life, and i'm really happy with it. what i do not deal with is yelling. i don't like yelling at people, and i hate being yelled at and it seems to be something i encounter only when i'm at home with my mom. it makes me just want to throw up my hands at the whole situation and let go.. which i can't. because i'm a fucking sucker. and yes, i know thats not entirely true.. but thats how i end up feeling sometimes.
this was not supposed to be a ranting blog. on to better things.
this weekend is the 35th annual Massachusetts SkillsUSA State and Leadership conference. (what a mouthful!) i always look forward to it. like camp, it's a place that i feel at home. its amazing to see the students get that feeling of accomplishment once they won medals. i have to admit, i also feel really warm and fuzzy when i see kids that were on my team at the Fall State Leadership Conference pass me and then stop to share their moment of happiness with me. i love working with the alumni association. i can't even believe that this is my 13th conference. 3 days full of super early mornings to get kids on their buses for competition, late nights of walking around hotel halls looking for the night owls.. knocking on their doors to tell them to zip it, new state officers, amazing alumni.... it's all just so fast moving. completely amazing.
i also may have a chance at a job that i reaaaaallllly want. no details just yet, but i've revamped my resume and sent it in with the recommendation of 2 people. oh man, do i want this job. i would absolutely keep on illustrating and whatnot, but this job could lead to a career that i really want.
i also might be getting a mac. another huge YAY and hugs to chris.
um... i guess the only other exciting thing is that i got yet even more watercolor paints, bringing my total number of sets to about 12. i won't even get into the paintbrushes.
oh.. spring here in boston is completely fabulous. i love it.
Monday, April 13, 2009
the day i played catchup
it was today. i think this has been one of the busiest days i've had in a long time. it also marked another adult milestone.. and to me.. it was a doozy (although most of you will probably laugh)
the first time i did my own taxes.
might be shocking, but my mom has always been the one to do my taxes, and i kind of just took it for granted. not this year, i gathered up all of my official documents and whatnot and then traveled to turbotax.com where they held my electronic hand and helped me get through it. in 8-14 days, i should see my return in my bank account where i might choose to be a little frivilous and get some new clothes... and then be responsible and save the rest for bills. boo.. at least it's done.
i also finished up the illustrations for the save the dates.. tomorrow it goes to be scanned so i can lay them out and get them printed.. i am absolutely determined to have them printed and in the mail by wednesday. i need them out of my house. i'm nearly sick of the sight of them.
traveled to davis to do some birthday shopping...
also put together and sent out a few etsy orders.
it's been a busy day, and i still have make good on my promise to dedicate an hour a day to organizing and cleaning some of my/our clutter.
after talking to my mom.. it looks like she might finally be on the road to home by wednesday or thursday... then its out to springfield to clean... ugh.
the first time i did my own taxes.
might be shocking, but my mom has always been the one to do my taxes, and i kind of just took it for granted. not this year, i gathered up all of my official documents and whatnot and then traveled to turbotax.com where they held my electronic hand and helped me get through it. in 8-14 days, i should see my return in my bank account where i might choose to be a little frivilous and get some new clothes... and then be responsible and save the rest for bills. boo.. at least it's done.
i also finished up the illustrations for the save the dates.. tomorrow it goes to be scanned so i can lay them out and get them printed.. i am absolutely determined to have them printed and in the mail by wednesday. i need them out of my house. i'm nearly sick of the sight of them.
traveled to davis to do some birthday shopping...
also put together and sent out a few etsy orders.
it's been a busy day, and i still have make good on my promise to dedicate an hour a day to organizing and cleaning some of my/our clutter.
after talking to my mom.. it looks like she might finally be on the road to home by wednesday or thursday... then its out to springfield to clean... ugh.
Friday, April 10, 2009
oh, boston you're my home
this past week has easily been one of the worst weeks of my life. since i haven't been able to keep everyone directly updated except by facebook status... i'll start at the beginning.
saturday. i had been out running around and trying to complete things for the wedding to-do list. (the list that is seemingly never ending. i should have eloped) while out running errands, i called my mom in ludlow at the rehab center. she had been battling pneumonia for about a week, and said that she was finally starting to feel better and that she thought the antibiotics were finally working. this was at about 3:30 pm. i went home.. worked on things there.. later that night, stephen came home around 11 and we started making our very late night dinner and settled in to watch some TV. at 11:30, my cell phone rang and it was audrey. made me a little pissed to see her name on my caller id, but... whatever. she nonchalantly told me that mom was having a few breathing problems and that they were taking her to the baystate ER. i was pretty pissed that it wasn't healthsouth calling me, so i hung up with her and called them to ask why the fuck wasn't i called. (of course i wasn't that rude, but i was pretty mad). the nurse told me that they didn't even have my phone number and that audrey was her daughter. (don'tscreamdon'tscreamdon'tscream.....) politely inform the nurse that that information is completely incorrect and here is my phone number. since audrey was incapable of informing the rehab center that i was not only her actual daughter, but the health proxy, i immediately called baystate er to let them know that she was on her way, who i was and what my phone number was. i grabbed my backpack.. threw some underwear and socks in (just in case) and by midnight stephen and i were on our way to springfield. at about 1:15 am the ER doctor called me to let me know that she was on her way upstairs to ICU and that she had been intubated. at !:20 am, i got another call asking me weather or not she as a DNR and whether or not she wanted last rites from a priest. we arrived by about 1:30 and practically ran up to ICU. at this point her blood pressure was so low and her heart rate was so high that they were giving her medications to try and stabilize her. since she is a DNR, the meds and fluids are all they were allowed to give her, otherwise she would have had a central line to her heart installed so meds could be directly administered. after this time, it became a waiting game. i had called my aunt penny on the way out and once she had been given all the meds, she and my uncle gent came down. we sat with my mom just watching her monitors and hoping for the best for about 2 hours when she suggested i start calling my uncles and the folks that really needed to know what was going on. it's not often i have to call to wake people up with news like that at 4am. after i made the calls, i just went back in to sit with her. family came and went. i was so grateful that they were there with me, even though they were there, i still felt so alone.
the next day was pretty much a waiting game. aunt penny and uncle gent were pretty much a constant, but stephen dawn, aunt jackie, timmy, aunt trudy, uncle tom, uncle duane, and of course audrey came through for visits. i spent the first 2 nights in the ICU waiting room. i was kind of terrified to leave. all i could think about was all of the relatives that i visited in the hospital thinking that they were going to be fine only to have them pass away once i had left. and while i realize it wasn't me.. it's just a weird complex that i sometimes have when things get really bad for my mom.
on day 2, i got a call early in the morning telling me that my grandmother was being brought to the emergency room. since it was between the 7-9 hour where they don't let you into ICU i went down to meet up with her and sit with her. she looked and sounded horrible, not to mention she was all upset that mom was just upstairs. they ended up admitting her for congestive heart failure and retaining fluids.
so at this point both mom and grams are in the hospital. i don't even want to ask the question "what else could go wrong?"
on day 3, my uncle tom came in to visit early in the morning where he found me sleeping in the waiting room. he kind of told me point blank that i was staying at his house that night. in the end, i was pretty grateful for that. it's not that i didn't want to stay there, i was just afraid to be that far away. i guess he kind of forced me to take that step out of the waiting room.
on day 4 they took her breathing tube out. the whole time that i had been there she had been communicating via paper and pen, so she was happy to finally be able to nag me with her actual voice. her breathing was still super labored, and sounded gurgly because of all the fluids in her lungs. they had her on a high flow nasal cannula that basically looked like a garden hose and two giant drinking straws stuffed up her nose.
because all of this underlying drama isn't enough, there of course had to be something going on in the never-ending war with audrey and stan. if my mother hadn't ended up in ICU, she would have been going home on tuesday. in order for her to go home and have any chance of staying healthy there, the house is going to have to be cleaned from the floor up. the house is so disgusting and filthy that you cannot go in without being hit by a wave of stench. imagine a word worse than squalor, and that is what they are living in. the bathroom upstairs is slowly being taken over by mold and mildew so bad that i am going to get a first hand experience on how to remodel a bathroom. you can't be in the house for more than 15 minutes and you feel like you need to scrub yourself in a shower before burning the clothes you were wearing. am i getting my point across? relatives can't and won't visit her anymore. and so... because all of this my mom has asked me to fix it. everyone says "UGH why can't they do it???!!!". they can, but don't. the time has come to just accept it and try to work for the common good of keeping my mom in the best health possible. if this means i have to clean it... i'm going to clean it. i think the thing that really upsets me is that while my moms house was ALWAYS messy and cluttered... it wasn't dirty. you always just had to push some stuff aside to sit, but you didn't have to be concerned that you'd leave with fleas. it's just so upsetting and it makes me think about what steve said.. "you can't go home anymore". i can... but its just going to upset me.
so... now she's headed home.. i think. and the house needs to be cleaned. we brought it up to audrey who agreed. i don't think she necessarily liked it, but she agreed that she couldn't do it. she went home and of course had to tell stan. he threw a fit. a fit so big that he went down to the ICU unit at 10:30 at night to scream at my mother. her blood pressure and heart rate went through the roof and they had to physically remove him. i didn't find this out until the afternoon of the next day. because this all happened, a social worker stepped in. i'm pretty sure she's been on the edges of everything but after all of the drama thats been going on, she was forced to make herself more present. there was a meeting between me, mom, stan, audrey, and the social worker. all 3 of them of course went into the meeting on the defensive... it was like the social worker and i were watching them tap dance together. it made me so mad. in the end, i ended up finding the social worker and telling her the truth about exactly what has been going on in the house for the past 6 years. i have a feeling that things might be able to start to change with her there.
after all of this drama had gone on, it was now thursday. i reached my limit and since i wasn't allowed to go in and clean, i was going to tell my mom i was mad at her and that i needed to go home. she started asking me why i was so mad. i explained to her that i knew she would just procrastinate and never hire someone to come in and clean the house and that because of all the filth there, she would just end up sick and back in the hospital. i also told her that i was so sad and tired to hear so many people in the family tell me that they missed being able to go over and see her and that the reason they couldn't is because the house was so filthy and smelled so bad. i also told her that i was livid with her because after all of her positive thinking and talking to me about how great it would be to have someone clean, and if stan didn't like it he could leave, the instant he freaked out the way he did she changed her mind and called my title of "cleaner" into "snoop or spy" and that she was afraid he would treat her badly after i left. i told her that if she was going to let him control whether or not her health improved then it was her business and that i couldn't do anything more about it and that i needed to go home. by this time, i was so mentally and physically exhausted that i didn't even know where to put myself.
she was pretty shocked that i had felt this way, and she had no idea about why people had stopped coming to see her. it's easy for any of us to say "how could you not know how dirty the house is? can't you smell it?" i think that the big scope of it is... if you live in it and are conditioned to it.. you just don't know exactly how bad it is. this prompted mom to call audrey down to the hospital so that she could also hear the truth. at this point, she agreed that i needed to come in and clean, but it had to be after my mother came home and that maybe it was time for stan to move on to a new home and a new relationship. so... i might be rid of stan, but stuck with audrey.. still sucks, but i like the odds much more.
and.. it was after this "come to jesus" meeting that i was finally able to catch a bus home.. my godsent was kristen. she happened to be getting off from work just in time to whisk me away to my grams (who had finally gone home the day before) to drop off her car (more on that later) and then take me to the springfield so i could get the hell out of dodge. i almost skipped into the bus station.. my call to stephen for a pickup request was almost gleeful. while i was on my way to freedom, my mom was simultaneously being moved to a normal room. life is good.
there are some big time silver linings to this whole miserable week.
uncle tom and aunt penny: while i've always known that my family has had my back, i finally feel like i have 2 powerful allies. i spoke with my uncle tom about ideas for riders my mom wanted to add to her will. my original reaction to her ideas were an all over NO. i brought them up to my uncle and he was able to talk me off the ledge and come up with some new ideas to propose. he is now also going to be the constant voice in my head concerning how to deal with audrey. "honey", talk to her with an all sweet attitude and i can persuade her to do things my way. it was his voice in my head that made me able to persuade audrey to let me clean the house. i plan to keep on using his advice for a long time to come.
as far as the health proxy fight, my aunt penny and i are the ones fighting that battle now. mom spoke with aunt penny about being the alternate health proxy, and of course, after being so close for so long she said yes. she is one of the few people i know that is ALWAYS reachable, and knows and will respect exactly what my mother wants. she will never second guess the decision my mom made. sometimes i'm on the T, or maybe i'm in a place where i can't answer my phone. it's not often, but now i don't have to get on a train with panic in my mind that something might happen and audrey is the only one to sign the papers.. like my mom told AP... "i'm her meal ticket, she wants to make sure i survive". i have the papers, and so does aunt penny.. thats all i need.
aunt trudy: i never get to spend enough time with her... never get to have prolonged chats, or go out to dinner, or really ever spend quality time with her. this week, i was able to hang out, relax with her, catch dinner, and even plant a garden with her. it was awesome to be able to spend time with her and get to know her since i'm older now. it makes me want to spend more time in western ma... can you believe that?
aunt jackie: she and i didn't always see eye to eye... and by always i mean we used to bicker alot. that seems to have changed. on thursday, i had a 2 hour breakfast with her where we just chatted about life... we also made plans to meet up in boston when she comes out for doctors appointments.
grammy: it was nice to be able to spend some time with her, even if she was in the hospital. when mom wanted to rest, i could just walk down the hall to see her since ICU and the cardiac unit are on the same floor. once she got home, i was able to help take care of her even if it was just a little bit. she also let me drive her car.. that car previously belonged to my grandfather, and i remember being his passenger when my mom and i went down there to do his taxes. he would take me out so i wasn't in my moms hair. it was like driving a family artifact.
aunt penny, uncle gent, and dawn: i wish i had been able to spend more time with them this trip, but i was so wrapped up with grammy and the concern to be so close that i just couldn't find the time. they're always there, and i am so grateful for that.
this has been the scariest and best week all at the same time. i'm walking away feeling that i am much closer to my family, even the ones i didn't get to see. i haven't felt this close to my laramee side as a whole since i was little kid seeing all of them at christmas... i guess i kind of had an out of sight out of mind kind of mind frame... to know that i was wrong feels really good.
as of now, i spoke with my mom today, and i'm not sure i completely like how she sounded. i will probably closely monitor how she is doing via phone and head back towards western MA maybe on monday or tuesday. until i can blog again, cell is probably the easiest way to reach me..
thank you to everyone for all of your good thoughts and love...
saturday. i had been out running around and trying to complete things for the wedding to-do list. (the list that is seemingly never ending. i should have eloped) while out running errands, i called my mom in ludlow at the rehab center. she had been battling pneumonia for about a week, and said that she was finally starting to feel better and that she thought the antibiotics were finally working. this was at about 3:30 pm. i went home.. worked on things there.. later that night, stephen came home around 11 and we started making our very late night dinner and settled in to watch some TV. at 11:30, my cell phone rang and it was audrey. made me a little pissed to see her name on my caller id, but... whatever. she nonchalantly told me that mom was having a few breathing problems and that they were taking her to the baystate ER. i was pretty pissed that it wasn't healthsouth calling me, so i hung up with her and called them to ask why the fuck wasn't i called. (of course i wasn't that rude, but i was pretty mad). the nurse told me that they didn't even have my phone number and that audrey was her daughter. (don'tscreamdon'tscreamdon'tscream.....) politely inform the nurse that that information is completely incorrect and here is my phone number. since audrey was incapable of informing the rehab center that i was not only her actual daughter, but the health proxy, i immediately called baystate er to let them know that she was on her way, who i was and what my phone number was. i grabbed my backpack.. threw some underwear and socks in (just in case) and by midnight stephen and i were on our way to springfield. at about 1:15 am the ER doctor called me to let me know that she was on her way upstairs to ICU and that she had been intubated. at !:20 am, i got another call asking me weather or not she as a DNR and whether or not she wanted last rites from a priest. we arrived by about 1:30 and practically ran up to ICU. at this point her blood pressure was so low and her heart rate was so high that they were giving her medications to try and stabilize her. since she is a DNR, the meds and fluids are all they were allowed to give her, otherwise she would have had a central line to her heart installed so meds could be directly administered. after this time, it became a waiting game. i had called my aunt penny on the way out and once she had been given all the meds, she and my uncle gent came down. we sat with my mom just watching her monitors and hoping for the best for about 2 hours when she suggested i start calling my uncles and the folks that really needed to know what was going on. it's not often i have to call to wake people up with news like that at 4am. after i made the calls, i just went back in to sit with her. family came and went. i was so grateful that they were there with me, even though they were there, i still felt so alone.
the next day was pretty much a waiting game. aunt penny and uncle gent were pretty much a constant, but stephen dawn, aunt jackie, timmy, aunt trudy, uncle tom, uncle duane, and of course audrey came through for visits. i spent the first 2 nights in the ICU waiting room. i was kind of terrified to leave. all i could think about was all of the relatives that i visited in the hospital thinking that they were going to be fine only to have them pass away once i had left. and while i realize it wasn't me.. it's just a weird complex that i sometimes have when things get really bad for my mom.
on day 2, i got a call early in the morning telling me that my grandmother was being brought to the emergency room. since it was between the 7-9 hour where they don't let you into ICU i went down to meet up with her and sit with her. she looked and sounded horrible, not to mention she was all upset that mom was just upstairs. they ended up admitting her for congestive heart failure and retaining fluids.
so at this point both mom and grams are in the hospital. i don't even want to ask the question "what else could go wrong?"
on day 3, my uncle tom came in to visit early in the morning where he found me sleeping in the waiting room. he kind of told me point blank that i was staying at his house that night. in the end, i was pretty grateful for that. it's not that i didn't want to stay there, i was just afraid to be that far away. i guess he kind of forced me to take that step out of the waiting room.
on day 4 they took her breathing tube out. the whole time that i had been there she had been communicating via paper and pen, so she was happy to finally be able to nag me with her actual voice. her breathing was still super labored, and sounded gurgly because of all the fluids in her lungs. they had her on a high flow nasal cannula that basically looked like a garden hose and two giant drinking straws stuffed up her nose.
because all of this underlying drama isn't enough, there of course had to be something going on in the never-ending war with audrey and stan. if my mother hadn't ended up in ICU, she would have been going home on tuesday. in order for her to go home and have any chance of staying healthy there, the house is going to have to be cleaned from the floor up. the house is so disgusting and filthy that you cannot go in without being hit by a wave of stench. imagine a word worse than squalor, and that is what they are living in. the bathroom upstairs is slowly being taken over by mold and mildew so bad that i am going to get a first hand experience on how to remodel a bathroom. you can't be in the house for more than 15 minutes and you feel like you need to scrub yourself in a shower before burning the clothes you were wearing. am i getting my point across? relatives can't and won't visit her anymore. and so... because all of this my mom has asked me to fix it. everyone says "UGH why can't they do it???!!!". they can, but don't. the time has come to just accept it and try to work for the common good of keeping my mom in the best health possible. if this means i have to clean it... i'm going to clean it. i think the thing that really upsets me is that while my moms house was ALWAYS messy and cluttered... it wasn't dirty. you always just had to push some stuff aside to sit, but you didn't have to be concerned that you'd leave with fleas. it's just so upsetting and it makes me think about what steve said.. "you can't go home anymore". i can... but its just going to upset me.
so... now she's headed home.. i think. and the house needs to be cleaned. we brought it up to audrey who agreed. i don't think she necessarily liked it, but she agreed that she couldn't do it. she went home and of course had to tell stan. he threw a fit. a fit so big that he went down to the ICU unit at 10:30 at night to scream at my mother. her blood pressure and heart rate went through the roof and they had to physically remove him. i didn't find this out until the afternoon of the next day. because this all happened, a social worker stepped in. i'm pretty sure she's been on the edges of everything but after all of the drama thats been going on, she was forced to make herself more present. there was a meeting between me, mom, stan, audrey, and the social worker. all 3 of them of course went into the meeting on the defensive... it was like the social worker and i were watching them tap dance together. it made me so mad. in the end, i ended up finding the social worker and telling her the truth about exactly what has been going on in the house for the past 6 years. i have a feeling that things might be able to start to change with her there.
after all of this drama had gone on, it was now thursday. i reached my limit and since i wasn't allowed to go in and clean, i was going to tell my mom i was mad at her and that i needed to go home. she started asking me why i was so mad. i explained to her that i knew she would just procrastinate and never hire someone to come in and clean the house and that because of all the filth there, she would just end up sick and back in the hospital. i also told her that i was so sad and tired to hear so many people in the family tell me that they missed being able to go over and see her and that the reason they couldn't is because the house was so filthy and smelled so bad. i also told her that i was livid with her because after all of her positive thinking and talking to me about how great it would be to have someone clean, and if stan didn't like it he could leave, the instant he freaked out the way he did she changed her mind and called my title of "cleaner" into "snoop or spy" and that she was afraid he would treat her badly after i left. i told her that if she was going to let him control whether or not her health improved then it was her business and that i couldn't do anything more about it and that i needed to go home. by this time, i was so mentally and physically exhausted that i didn't even know where to put myself.
she was pretty shocked that i had felt this way, and she had no idea about why people had stopped coming to see her. it's easy for any of us to say "how could you not know how dirty the house is? can't you smell it?" i think that the big scope of it is... if you live in it and are conditioned to it.. you just don't know exactly how bad it is. this prompted mom to call audrey down to the hospital so that she could also hear the truth. at this point, she agreed that i needed to come in and clean, but it had to be after my mother came home and that maybe it was time for stan to move on to a new home and a new relationship. so... i might be rid of stan, but stuck with audrey.. still sucks, but i like the odds much more.
and.. it was after this "come to jesus" meeting that i was finally able to catch a bus home.. my godsent was kristen. she happened to be getting off from work just in time to whisk me away to my grams (who had finally gone home the day before) to drop off her car (more on that later) and then take me to the springfield so i could get the hell out of dodge. i almost skipped into the bus station.. my call to stephen for a pickup request was almost gleeful. while i was on my way to freedom, my mom was simultaneously being moved to a normal room. life is good.
there are some big time silver linings to this whole miserable week.
uncle tom and aunt penny: while i've always known that my family has had my back, i finally feel like i have 2 powerful allies. i spoke with my uncle tom about ideas for riders my mom wanted to add to her will. my original reaction to her ideas were an all over NO. i brought them up to my uncle and he was able to talk me off the ledge and come up with some new ideas to propose. he is now also going to be the constant voice in my head concerning how to deal with audrey. "honey", talk to her with an all sweet attitude and i can persuade her to do things my way. it was his voice in my head that made me able to persuade audrey to let me clean the house. i plan to keep on using his advice for a long time to come.
as far as the health proxy fight, my aunt penny and i are the ones fighting that battle now. mom spoke with aunt penny about being the alternate health proxy, and of course, after being so close for so long she said yes. she is one of the few people i know that is ALWAYS reachable, and knows and will respect exactly what my mother wants. she will never second guess the decision my mom made. sometimes i'm on the T, or maybe i'm in a place where i can't answer my phone. it's not often, but now i don't have to get on a train with panic in my mind that something might happen and audrey is the only one to sign the papers.. like my mom told AP... "i'm her meal ticket, she wants to make sure i survive". i have the papers, and so does aunt penny.. thats all i need.
aunt trudy: i never get to spend enough time with her... never get to have prolonged chats, or go out to dinner, or really ever spend quality time with her. this week, i was able to hang out, relax with her, catch dinner, and even plant a garden with her. it was awesome to be able to spend time with her and get to know her since i'm older now. it makes me want to spend more time in western ma... can you believe that?
aunt jackie: she and i didn't always see eye to eye... and by always i mean we used to bicker alot. that seems to have changed. on thursday, i had a 2 hour breakfast with her where we just chatted about life... we also made plans to meet up in boston when she comes out for doctors appointments.
grammy: it was nice to be able to spend some time with her, even if she was in the hospital. when mom wanted to rest, i could just walk down the hall to see her since ICU and the cardiac unit are on the same floor. once she got home, i was able to help take care of her even if it was just a little bit. she also let me drive her car.. that car previously belonged to my grandfather, and i remember being his passenger when my mom and i went down there to do his taxes. he would take me out so i wasn't in my moms hair. it was like driving a family artifact.
aunt penny, uncle gent, and dawn: i wish i had been able to spend more time with them this trip, but i was so wrapped up with grammy and the concern to be so close that i just couldn't find the time. they're always there, and i am so grateful for that.
this has been the scariest and best week all at the same time. i'm walking away feeling that i am much closer to my family, even the ones i didn't get to see. i haven't felt this close to my laramee side as a whole since i was little kid seeing all of them at christmas... i guess i kind of had an out of sight out of mind kind of mind frame... to know that i was wrong feels really good.
as of now, i spoke with my mom today, and i'm not sure i completely like how she sounded. i will probably closely monitor how she is doing via phone and head back towards western MA maybe on monday or tuesday. until i can blog again, cell is probably the easiest way to reach me..
thank you to everyone for all of your good thoughts and love...
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